To Match or Not to Match

I gave that question two answers today and both were complete opposite.

I woke up this morning as I do every morning and I hope I can still do many more mornings to come. I begrudgingly made my way to the bathroom for my morning rituals that recently had more steps added. Wash face, tone, apply mederma and tea tree oil to old scars (yeah like a monster), apply my eye cream then apply my moisturizer. When that is done I can brush my teeth or go pee, whichever one demands more urgent attention.

I pulled a teal tie from my hair and my curls from the night before were surprisingly still intact. I couldn't help but take pride in the blend of blond, bronze and near black of my hair. I felt it was pinterest worthy even. It was a reassuring moment where I looked at myself and was like, "hey beautiful eyes mind if I party with you?"

For a while...as you all know I've been pondering dating again. Though my weight has held me back (in more ways than one) , my lack of confidence in my standing as a successful person and whether I truly felt ready. Ask me one year ago and I would have laughed at the thought of dating someone else. It wasn't what I wanted. Certainly wasn't what I needed. But a year has passed, some has changed but not all that I had hoped would. Despite many reservations I felt, "ready" I don't believe anyone ever feels ready in life but if we wait for the moment when we think we are it may never come. I waited my year...I wasn't (am not) where I want to be but...I can't wait forever. This is something I can control. I am moderately attractive when I put forth the effort. I have a wit about me, certain ambitions and dreams, I am funny and kind hearted and no one will find a girl with better ombre hair then myself. Incase you need reminding...

So I signed up for match.com. Perhaps it was out of boredom or I truly did think I could get a date out of it. I uploaded some lovely photos, said a few things about me though albeit vague things, I forget how I dislike talking myself up. I feel like such a bore when I do. I just did the browse for free option and thought I'd decide to pay if I liked it after a few days (plus I am poor right now and need to buy a few necessities so it would have to wait.)  I felt cynical looking through profiles. I thought..."this guy looks like a douche...this guy would not call me back because he seeks just athletic builds though he completely lacks in that department....oh gosh you're so not funny....good luck.. "I chuckled but felt bad that I ridiculed so much. At least these men were trying to an extent and I had been hesitant for weeks about uploading a photo.

I confessed to my sister and best friend what I had done. How I wanted to move on but felt completely insecure about my body. And insecure about my state of living, job, ect...I don't want a boyfriend and I am not looking to shack up with the first man who will have me. But if I happen to meet someone I like I'd like the relations aspect to not be such an issue. We all feel insecure naked...okay most of us do...but in the end with Jeremy I hated being naked. Why did I sign up for match if I'm not looking for a bf? Well...just to start dating. Its been so long since I've done that and as I've said if I meet someone fantastic great.

I deleted my page....yeah after 6 hours and a long introspective walk to the park I deleted it. I had received an email from someone and a like...I couldn't check either since I only signed up for free and yeah...I is poor so can't do it yet. I failed to mention when I looked through profiles it asks if you want children. I said no or someday would be acceptable answers for me. The looming mortality of my eggs plagued me as I read peoples responses...no...someday...never...ect. This was an issue my ex loved to through in my face. Though he knew day 1 that I did not like many children and could maybe fathom having one child he used my lack of maternity against me. Would others do that too? I only have a few years left *panic face*panic face* ack ack do I stay on match.com? Is this the place where I will meet my future baby daddy? NO!!!!! People don't consider me an anxious person because I am such an introvert and covet my fears from the public...but Christ I am! For fucks sake I had not matched with anyone yet and I was already dreading what I'd wear if anyone even asked me out!

I deleted my page...temporarily deleted it. Match has told me my profile can be reactivated within the year any time and I can upgrade any time I desire. This I felt was best as 1. didn't have the money (thank you student loans and my desperate need for yoga pants and Mikki Lippe earrings) 2. I need to lose some weight. Not for them...not for anyone I may or may not be dating FOR ME! I have to do this for me and only me. I know I am an attractive person, and I am all those traits I claimed for me but the only person who can make you feel secure is yourself.

I will reactivate it at the end of October. I feel that if I wait till like thanksgiving/Christmas time everyone will be on the hunt for a date to take to their parents. I'm so not ready to meet the parents. End of October gives me a month to at least get myself moving again, get myself back to a gluten free track ( I may steal the occasional lollipop) and just remember why I vowed not to date for sometime in the first place. I must come first. My personal well being is first. I must do what makes me happy. Dating scares me...but I must move on in more ways then one.