Memory

I swear this will be the last post of my reflecting on the past. I want to put it behind me as much as you want me to stop talking about it and start talking about new food recipes and the woes of weight loss. Trust me those posts will come. Tomorrow I will be making gluten free bread, eating fig salads and drinking green smoothies to make up for my carbo load binge fest today. Gluten free living is a little bit of a pain but I truly did feel better sans the wheat. Once I ate it again I got an immediate stomach ache and a couple of days after a horrible rash on my breast. WTF?!?!?!?!?! Oye. Stupid ethnic bodies intolerance to everything! Anyway that is coming...check this out.  

 

It was much worse than this at my friends wedding. I thought something bit me awful but I really think it was an allergy.


Moving on from that from my blog post yesterday about 365 days ago I recalled a memory that happened just a few days prior to that event. I was driving to Depoe Bay Oregon with my mother. A vacation that I had paid for and because J and I had taken a break a couple of weeks before the vacay I had to still go one it as I could not get a refund. I should have begged the people to give me back my money but eh who doesn't like the coast? I used that time as a scapegoat to figure out where I wanted to go from there. Did I want to work things out with J? Did I want to leave and never look back? What do I want from my life in general? I didn't expect to have all the answers but I needed some clarity and I needed to get away from well...everything.

My mother and I stopped in Cannon Beach which is about 2 hours from our destination and about 1 hour west of Portland. If you've ever been to the Oregon coast you know it is under a constant cover of storm clouds and bitter winds, but it is has some of the most beautiful beaches.

 (not my photo)

 

Instead of storm clouds of doom it was actually very sunny and dare I say warm? Everyone was in town. The beach was swarmed with people from Washington, Portland, other coastal towns and who knows where else. People had their children out in the water, surfers were eyeing the perfect wave, hordes of women lounged on reclined sun chairs desiring the perfect tan. I had just gotten done eating lunch and pig n a pancake...don't judge they have bomb waffles. Also don't judge me for still saying bomb I'm a child of the 90s.

 

Now here is the memory that stuck out at me that was kind of an eye opener of the trip. We made our way from the restaurant to the beach. A short walk. Bypassing a lot of people on the side walk. We were just around the corner of the steps that lead down when I spotted a couple and their two dogs. The couple was probably early to maybe late 30s. No older than 38. They drove a chic environmental friendly car a hybrid of some kind. They both looked as if they shopped at REI and other outdoors type retailers. The woman grabbed a towel from their car and took each dog and wrapped the towel around them to drive them off. Maybe it was the fact that the dogs were bull dogs and I love bull dogs and it touched a soft spot in me. Maybe it was something else, but I watched these two and just smiled. They may have children, maybe not I didn't see any around the car or screaming in the car. It was just a man, woman and their two dogs and chic car. It was as I said kind of an eye opener. I have never been a maternal person. I always thought that if I had children it would not be before I am 30. I'm 29 this December (FUCK!!!!) and unless Tom Hiddleston proposes I will get my wish of no kids in my 20s. I never even imagined myself being married younger than my late 20s. I have not completely cut the idea of having children out of my life but if I did it would have to be with someone special. Someone who I knew would raise them with the same values and creativity that I hold important in my life. If that doesn't happen, sure I'll have fur kids. The point I'm making is this couple on the beach looked so happy. So happy living a life sans children, my ex wanted kids and if you met his nephew you would know why I was so hesitant to have them with him.

 

Shortly after the trip and after my official break up I created vision pages in my journal. If you are unfamiliar with what vision pages are, its like a vision board. You pin or paste items to a board that you want in your life, focus energy on those things and you may eventually get them. I did a journal because I had no board. Though I did create a board on pinterest. ;)

 

     Yes a vision of mine is to have a boyfriend as hot as Tom Hiddleston. That would be fantastic. I wanted to post real healthy bodies too so please don't think I'm pro thinspiration. Pass.

365 days later. I think I finally get it. Time to be the woman I want to be. Whether she be a mother to fur kids or a mother to an actual child. The sun will rise and set whether I bid it not to. Time shall pass and with it I shall continue to grow and strive for a better tomorrow.



"Gatsby believe in the green light The orgastic future which recedes us that year by year recedes us. It eluded us then but that's no matter- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther...and then one fine morning- so we beat on boats against the current borne back ceacesslessly into the past." Nick Carraway The Great Gatsby.