I have been kind of dreading writing this blog post. Should I? Should I ignore my thoughts and feelings? Should I even bother sharing this with everyone else? Well... the later I really don't know who reads this. Maybe no one though Blogger tells me other wise. So If you are here for my recipes and general hatred of anything healthy perhaps this is not the blog post for you. I promise more food to come but for now I must vent. Cheaper than therapy.
It kind of feels like it was just yesterday. A grossly overused expression but still some days it does. I had wanted to get out for such a long while that when it happened it was a shock. I still loved this person and I was scared. I didn't want to hurt them. I never wanted them to hate me. But they didn't care enough to leave things on decent terms. When they saw my weakness they took advantage and stabbed me in the back. I was dismissed as if the last four years meant nothing. I felt powerless, completely crushed and worst of all I was in such a state of anger that I could barely even speak. So many things I would say if I could (coulda, woulda, shoulda) " Why did you lead me on like that only to just pretend to be the bigger person and call it quits? Why treat me like some common one night stand with such little respect when I waited and waited and wanted to listen to all your fucking bull shit before I was the one who walked away? Why is your mind so centered on whatever bitch you date loving your family? You've shown your true colors, a cowardly lion in a sheep's clothing. I should have ended this long before if I knew this was the kind of person you were." I wanted to say these things but my anger it brewed in me like some angry spell and I knew that if I opened my mouth I'd scream so loud that I'd wake the dead. and I would not be able to stop. Couldn't stop.
365 days ago. I was left heart broken but relieved. Not heart broken because I truly believed we'd be married with children. Heart broken because the person that I felt closest to, whom I shared so much with dismissed me with out so much as a second thought and led me to believe he wanted to work things out. Does it still hurt? It was a slap in the face but I am mending well. The problem was bigger than him. I did not want him. I did not want the life I knew he would live. My regret was not leaving sooner. But it was still someone I loved and telling that love to cease was tough but I manage. That's not a love I'd want to rekindle. Ever.
365 days ago I was scared, betrayed but ever ready to move on with my life. I knew I didn't want another love. Not so soon. I'm not the rebounding kind of gal. The life I would have with J would not have been a life I'd have been happy in.
I can not say I am where I want to be in life. You know this faithful blog readers. You know the woes of my life. You know the many quite a plenty dead ends and standstills that I have come up against this past year. I will spare you the terribly tediousness of listing them all. In spite of these I can say I have accomplished something I set out to do.
- I relearned German. Ich bin nicht fließend in Deutsch aber Ich bin lernen.
- I have traveled more. SF I am looking at you.
- I am more well read.
- I know how to cook more home cooked meals. Prob one reason why my weight has not adjusted too much.
- I've made new friends and been to new places.
- picked up new hobbies.
- I march to the beat of my own drum and no one can stop me.
I can not control the things I could not change. I'm sure had I had a more lucrative income (believe me I have looked!) I'd be adding more travel to that list and maybe picked up fancier hobbies.
365 days...I got to say I do envy people who bounce back from personal tragedies (no I don't compare what happened to me to death) but that isn't me. I had to dwell, eat my feelings, lean on my friends and family for moral support and try to figure out what the world had in store for me.
I am sick of wanting. I want love, I want a fit body, I want a place to call my own. I want want want OKAY ! We get it. I just have to turn those wants into haves. I need to stop giving myself deadlines to become the person I want to be and just work toward becoming that person.
Everyone around me their lives are changing. I need to change too. A close friend and co-worker just got married. They are pretty much the most in sync couple I have ever known. I am plenty happy for them. And check it out are the hippest bride and groom I have ever seen.
My best friend is also coming back home. This is a bittersweet return. She was in LA for acting and has made huge strides in her career but a dispute wit h a roommate is sending her home. But I am glad to have her more in my life than before. She is an ambitious girl who can do anything she puts her heart to so I know the future has much in store for her.
I think I finally get what my body is tolerating and what its not. I am becoming more understanding of my triggers. Even going to the mall in Tacoma is a trigger as I use to go there with J and I fear I will run into him there. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of wanting. I strive to be fearless and I strive for necessary change. It may have taken me a year to get to this point, but the important thing is that I have arrived.
I know this past year I should have been doing this everyday...
As I said I think I just needed to live life by my own rules. And if necessary leisure and gluttony was apart of that then so be it. I can't change the past and I take responsibility for my actions. I just praise the Gods that I am not fatter than where I was one year ago!
Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better and I think that though this year brought some fun memories that my next choices will be life altering.
365 days. I doubt mean anything to him as he is currently fucking a meth face. But I did do a lot of soul searching and though it was hard to be alone at times I would have chosen to be alone rather than spend one more year with him. Jeremy, we were not meant to be. We must live our lives walking very different paths. I'm tired of feeling bitter to you. I'm tired of being afraid and I need to move on in every way I can.
365 days.... from now. This day will matter no more. I will be different from who I am today as I am different from who I was one year ago. I'll have my health, I'll have new paths, new love, more importantly I'll have my friends and family. I will have plenty.
These 365 days was a personal battle. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of wanting. I just want to be and I just want to become the woman I know I am suppose to be.
I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions -Augusten Burroughs
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