What came first the chicken or the tofu?

Like a fussy toddler I go through stages with food in my life. There are times when I want nothing but protein. For a while eggs and avocado were a breakfast I craved like a mad woman. And surprisingly good for me. After a few days of not having it I lept from my bed to the kitchen to prep that breakfast. So excited..my mouth was watering. The eggs were perfectly fried with dried onion and the avocado slightly too ripe but still a lovely green. Then it happened. I split my egg open and I nearly vomited. WTF!


I go through stages where I just don't like eggs. I don't like meat...or I don't like pasta....who the fuck am I kidding? I've never gone through that stage lol. I've even dabbled in vegetarianism. I think the longest I went without meat was only 3 or 4 months until I gave in to the sultry ways of Red Robins clucks n fries. Each time I gave up meat it was not for weight loss purposes but were more PETA(fuck you) driven. I don't agree that everyone should be vegan. To each their own. But I also don't support the factory farms and the unnecessary violence inflicted on farmed livestock. That is never how evolution intended for us to eat meat. I fully believe humans are omnivores (eating meat did help us evolve and become bipedal.) but we certainly do not need to be eating chicken nuggets and burgers every day  fat inner child screams:

When I was a vegetarian I didn't feel completely healthy. Why? Probably because instead of meat I was eating too much starch and more dairy. Two things I am most allergic to.

Avoiding being politically correct I have the body type of a savage. Broad shoulders, longish limbs, short torso and boy hips. From all the things I have read on this body type and on general human diet I should be subsiding on a diet of lean meats and vegetables with the occasional fruit...in other words....paleo.

However a paleo diet so high in meat is 1. very expensive up keep as it all has to be organic and local and 2. gross. I like steak and eggs but not for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And no matter how many people tell me its not low carb ITS LOW CARB!

So what is a gal to do? Destined to eat just lean meats and veggies if she wants to lose weight and eventually date a guy like this...

 

But also doesn't want to eat nothing but animal flesh and would like to eat within her budget so she can afford to eventually do this...

 My mother found this book for me just yesterday. My sister and I had been talking about it for a while in regards to cleanses and how eating meat sometimes repulses us. My best friend Kat and I also had a similar conversation. where we just go through stages of not liking foods we once enjoyed. My mother finding this book in her hoarders collections of knick knacks and spiritual aromatherapy books was a sign from a high power (flying spaghetti monster?)


 The first two weeks are: must drink two large glasses of water followed by a raw veggie drink ( totally don't have a juicer so I am just doing green smoothies.)

Free range chicken is allowed. 30-40% of the diet is raw veggies and fruit. Olive oil and balsamic oil is fine but avoid all high fat oils. The diet does also encourage whole wheat products which I won't argue are good for some but for me probably not. As the author also states that if you think you may be allergic to a food then you should avoid it during the 8 week period. So replace whole wheat with either a really good gluten free bread, avoid bread or just stick with brown rice and quinoa in its place.

The next 4 weeks are harder for most people: You eat an almost vegan diet except you are allowed egg whites and fish. . One source I read said you can have dairy on this diet but it doesn't say that in the book?

the last two weeks are the same as the first week.

You would think going into this diet around the holidays is insane. I would agree with you if

1. 1.) I was not so fat.
2. 2.) My 29th birthday was not looming around the corner.
3. 3.) It was tamale season at my house (Christmas and my birthday.)

My sister informed me last night that when she did the liver cleanse she still enjoyed Thanksgiving day and Thanksgiving leftovers. She just added two more days to her 8 week plan. And she lost 40 pounds! If I could lose 40 pounds that would be fantastic but I won't push it also I think I'd be scared to lose that much in 2 months. Doable if you are making a transition from unhealthy lifestyle to healthy but not expected. I did read on average people lost about 25-35. If I hit THAT number I would do cartwheels all the way to Africa.

Its also nice to hear as I will be going to seaside Oregon in late October. My favorite places pig n pancake and ice cream shops will be hard to pass up. I will probably allow myself oatmeal and fruit at pancake and will have to pass on the ice cream. Pray for me that they have a nice sorbet I can enjoy or I'll hit up the expensive grocery store for coconut milk ice cream.

There are deeper reasons why I want to do this. I am not as strong as most people. I do want and desire human connection. Not necessarily sex but I feel stag net in that process of moving on. I simply don't feel comfortable. I didn't feel comfortable in the last stages of my last relationship. That is blame I fully put on myself.

My mother tried to put me on this diet years ago. I told her no way. I'll never give up dairy and meat and basically starve. After reading through this book I realize paleo is actually more restrictive than this. But luckily for me around the time she suggested this book I did lose weight. God bless exercise, limiting junk food and a 19 year old metabolism.

If I meet my first weight loss goal of 20 lbs  before thanksgiving I will re-join match. If I get any dates whoever I date go out with will have to eat somewhere vegan and or pricy with good fish.

I'll be starting this on October 1st. Most of my grain replacement recipes will be coming from the Wheat Belly diet, Paleo Slow Cooker and Primal Cravings.

Stay tuned for more recipes and updates on the cleanse.

Also....I may have some fat on me but I commend myself for a festive fall outfit.

And I am still cute...I will be even cuter minus 20-35 pounds!

To Match or Not to Match

I gave that question two answers today and both were complete opposite.

I woke up this morning as I do every morning and I hope I can still do many more mornings to come. I begrudgingly made my way to the bathroom for my morning rituals that recently had more steps added. Wash face, tone, apply mederma and tea tree oil to old scars (yeah like a monster), apply my eye cream then apply my moisturizer. When that is done I can brush my teeth or go pee, whichever one demands more urgent attention.

I pulled a teal tie from my hair and my curls from the night before were surprisingly still intact. I couldn't help but take pride in the blend of blond, bronze and near black of my hair. I felt it was pinterest worthy even. It was a reassuring moment where I looked at myself and was like, "hey beautiful eyes mind if I party with you?"

For a while...as you all know I've been pondering dating again. Though my weight has held me back (in more ways than one) , my lack of confidence in my standing as a successful person and whether I truly felt ready. Ask me one year ago and I would have laughed at the thought of dating someone else. It wasn't what I wanted. Certainly wasn't what I needed. But a year has passed, some has changed but not all that I had hoped would. Despite many reservations I felt, "ready" I don't believe anyone ever feels ready in life but if we wait for the moment when we think we are it may never come. I waited my year...I wasn't (am not) where I want to be but...I can't wait forever. This is something I can control. I am moderately attractive when I put forth the effort. I have a wit about me, certain ambitions and dreams, I am funny and kind hearted and no one will find a girl with better ombre hair then myself. Incase you need reminding...

So I signed up for match.com. Perhaps it was out of boredom or I truly did think I could get a date out of it. I uploaded some lovely photos, said a few things about me though albeit vague things, I forget how I dislike talking myself up. I feel like such a bore when I do. I just did the browse for free option and thought I'd decide to pay if I liked it after a few days (plus I am poor right now and need to buy a few necessities so it would have to wait.)  I felt cynical looking through profiles. I thought..."this guy looks like a douche...this guy would not call me back because he seeks just athletic builds though he completely lacks in that department....oh gosh you're so not funny....good luck.. "I chuckled but felt bad that I ridiculed so much. At least these men were trying to an extent and I had been hesitant for weeks about uploading a photo.

I confessed to my sister and best friend what I had done. How I wanted to move on but felt completely insecure about my body. And insecure about my state of living, job, ect...I don't want a boyfriend and I am not looking to shack up with the first man who will have me. But if I happen to meet someone I like I'd like the relations aspect to not be such an issue. We all feel insecure naked...okay most of us do...but in the end with Jeremy I hated being naked. Why did I sign up for match if I'm not looking for a bf? Well...just to start dating. Its been so long since I've done that and as I've said if I meet someone fantastic great.

I deleted my page....yeah after 6 hours and a long introspective walk to the park I deleted it. I had received an email from someone and a like...I couldn't check either since I only signed up for free and yeah...I is poor so can't do it yet. I failed to mention when I looked through profiles it asks if you want children. I said no or someday would be acceptable answers for me. The looming mortality of my eggs plagued me as I read peoples responses...no...someday...never...ect. This was an issue my ex loved to through in my face. Though he knew day 1 that I did not like many children and could maybe fathom having one child he used my lack of maternity against me. Would others do that too? I only have a few years left *panic face*panic face* ack ack do I stay on match.com? Is this the place where I will meet my future baby daddy? NO!!!!! People don't consider me an anxious person because I am such an introvert and covet my fears from the public...but Christ I am! For fucks sake I had not matched with anyone yet and I was already dreading what I'd wear if anyone even asked me out!

I deleted my page...temporarily deleted it. Match has told me my profile can be reactivated within the year any time and I can upgrade any time I desire. This I felt was best as 1. didn't have the money (thank you student loans and my desperate need for yoga pants and Mikki Lippe earrings) 2. I need to lose some weight. Not for them...not for anyone I may or may not be dating FOR ME! I have to do this for me and only me. I know I am an attractive person, and I am all those traits I claimed for me but the only person who can make you feel secure is yourself.

I will reactivate it at the end of October. I feel that if I wait till like thanksgiving/Christmas time everyone will be on the hunt for a date to take to their parents. I'm so not ready to meet the parents. End of October gives me a month to at least get myself moving again, get myself back to a gluten free track ( I may steal the occasional lollipop) and just remember why I vowed not to date for sometime in the first place. I must come first. My personal well being is first. I must do what makes me happy. Dating scares me...but I must move on in more ways then one.

Another extremely vain post

But in my defense I am pretty hard on myself. But look....I have the loveliest ombre hair when it feels like behaving.

http://losingweightinthecity.com/2013/09/when-enough-is-enough/
A well written article from a popular weight loss blog. Its not just vanity that drives weight loss. Its personal feelings and when you just reach a point where you have had enough! As I've stated I wish I could have been one of those women that was like yeahhhhhh day after break up gonna never touch another carb and going to live at the gym!!!!!!!!!!! I respect these women and wonder why I could never respond the same way...really with anything in my life. The ambition to be that is there but perhaps I lack the drive. I will say that not giving a damn was also liberating.

I posted this article because mine and this woman's goal is mostly the same. I'd like to lose 50 pounds (huge gold star weight is minus 60 pounds). If I only got to 55 I'd be happy. If I only make it to 45 I'd be happy so long as I felt good in my skin. As long as I am healthy that is what matters more to me than any number. Its  good to remember that. So you didn't lose a pound this week....how have you felt this week aside from that? If the answer is good then who the fuck cares? Keep doing what you are doing. Make good choices. I'll copy and paste the article as well.

When Enough is Enough

When people ask what was the trigger for me to lose 50 pounds, I usually answer “my friend was getting married in Aruba, and I didn’t want to be the fat bridesmaid on the beach.”
That is true, and that is an easy way to say it, but in truth, it was a series of moments that finally made me feel that enough was enough.
Feeling too big in an airplane seat. Feeling gross after a weekend of indulgences. Not being able to fit into the largest size at the store.
I know the stats about how easy it is to gain back weight after you’ve lost it, and I know how much work it took to lose it. I know how happy I felt when I felt really comfortable in my body and the excitement of being able to buy clothes in a smaller size and to know I was taking care of my body.
And most of that has helped me to keep the weight off. That, and that I’ve truly adopted an active lifestyle. Most weeks, I work out at least 4-5 times per week. I’m training for my fourth marathon. I’ve completed 20 halfs and many other shorter races. I honestly enjoy working out now.
But food is a tricky mistress. We have to eat several times per day to sustain ourselves, and training for a marathon, I need to make sure I’m eating enough to both fuel my workouts and recover from them. I know what to eat, but I’m not eating it.
I’m turning to convenience far too often. I have a special love for Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks breakfast sandwiches that I can’t really explain. Nutrition-stat-wise, they’re not bad for you. They’re both roughly around 300 calories, which is fine. Ingredient list? LOL, I won’t even look. Pretty sure it’s full of crap I can’t pronounce. But easy and tasty.
And I’m an incredibly social person, who’s currently working from home and seizing every opportunity for human interaction at night. In NYC, most of that revolves around food. And alcohol. And you all know I love my wine. Now, I’m not saying I’m going out and getting drunk every night, but man, do those calories add up.
In Maine, I had two beers for lunch with my mom, and then later had three glasses of wine over the course of an evening. Was I drunk or making bad decisions other than drinking my calories? No, but over the course of that day, I easily had 500+ calories in just alcohol. I had a lobster roll for lunch with fries. And I felt disgusting. Bloated, my stomach bothering me and just gross.
I typically reach for dresses before pants/skirts just because I find it way easier to grab one garment than put together an entire outfit, but I’ve found myself reaching for dresses lately because they’re a bit more forgiving. There’s some clothes in my closet I won’t even touch because I figure they’ll be too snug right now.
Just as I’ve slipped into this routine of eating for convenience or fun rather than health, I’d like to slip back into eating for health. And thinking a bit more about my food, and making the healthier choice, which isn’t always the easier choice. Thinking through why I want to eat something. Thinking about how that extra glass of wine will make me feel sluggish for my run the next day. Thinking about how those French fries will likely upset my stomach.

Just breaking up a really text-heavy, serious post with a picture of Bailey. Carry on.
I read two interesting posts recently that kind of spurred this one:
One from Greatist about someone who counts calories, even though she thinks the system is flawed, and why. I thought this part was really interesting, and makes sense with why eating real food makes our bodies feel and work so much better.

“Researchers compared the “thermic effect of food” (TEF, or the energy your body uses to actually process and absorb what you’re eating) following the consumption of a whole food grilled cheese sandwich (multigrain bread with whole grain and intact sunflower seeds along with cheddar cheese) versus a processed food grilled cheese sandwich (white bread and Kraft singles).
“Generally a person’s TEF is thought to account for 10 percent of their day’s total calorie burn. What this experiment found was that the whole food grilled cheese, while equal in calories as well as in protein, carb, and fat ratios, required nearly 50 percent more energy to absorb than its highly processed counterpart. This means the calories available to your body for storage can be much higher when they come from processed foods versus whole.”
I also read a great post from Emily, who just moved out to Oregon for a new job and is trying to balance being social and making friends in a new town (and um WORKING FOR A BREWERY!) with her fitness goals.

SarahOUaL wrote about giving up sugar/booze to help her meet her own goals.
Great reminders about fueling our body with the right stuff.

I want to break that damn sub-4 in November. I don’t want to suck in in pictures or not wear clothes that I love because I don’t feel comfortable with my body right now.

When I started this weight-loss thing, I weighed around 189. 190 sounded scary to me because it was close to 200. I’m currently somewhere between 144 – 149 depending on the day, and 150 is that ceiling number that I don’t want to hit. I don’t care if I don’t get back down to my lowest of 135-137, but I just want to get back to feeling comfortable in my body again.

Enough is enough. I’m going to start thinking more about food, more strength training (Uplift later today!) and less wine. Yeah, this isn’t the first time I’ve written a post like this, nor, probably, will it be the last. Weight maintenance isn’t easy, and there are sure as hell will be setbacks along the way. But as long as I recognize them before they go too far, I’m happy.

Needful things- warning completely vain post

I finally gave in and bought new running shoes. It wasn't a lack of interest that kept me from purchasing some. I just knew that when I finally got around to it it would be expensive and I really didn't want to add that to my credit card. However after careful review of my next months expenses, my need to save and the utter necessity of me having to do a 180 on my diet I felt this was something I could not hold off on any longer. I'd go to the running store downtown from my home and get fitted for a shoe made within this decade.

The process took a little while but they seemed short staff but they were all very helpful. I got a shoe that I hope will do me right. It did well in Zumba and was a little crampy on the elliptical though that could be due to the excess pressure of the machine itself and not the shoe. I've had that issue in the past with the elliptical and it is likely that.

I'm 28 years old and still i have a rough time budgeting. Does anyone else have this issue? Do I just want too much? I've gone a long while without buying myself things, without putting things on my credit card that I did not need, yet I'm still always low on funds. Por que money gods? I don't want to whine because i don't have cheese and I don't have wine. Nor do I have gluten filled buttery crackers to enjoy with because gluten free crackers are the worst. You all know the story, wah wah need to make more money so I can go to Europe to fuck a Danish man wah wah, first world problems. But it is kind of a let down when you can not afford little treats. Like a new hair dryer, yes for a while I couldn't even afford that. : / okay okay though first world problems again. I know kids in China, pets in Appalachia, gays in Kansas, have it a lot worse than I do.

This may be stupid but I do like to categorize what I need in a way of importance. This is a good measure to keep me on track budget wise and not go bat shit on Modcloth. (Okay I gave in to a cool star wars t-shirt but it was well within budget and that was ALL I bought.) Running shoes was numero uno and had been for the past year. Finally I bought those so now in order what I need;

New Yoga Work Out Pants: 

For years I have bought Victoria Secret yoga pants because they were 1. within budget and 2. they came in petite. I'm a midget so I can't go into any yoga or fitness store and expect to find pants that don't have an extra 8 inches of fabric. Okay...I know I'm below average height but the average height is 5'4 for women not 5'8! Many friends swear by Lululemon for their yoga pants. I have heard many good things about this place. But I also am like uh..... when it comes to spending 90 dollars on pants that I will endlessly sweat in. However, my dumb victoria secret pants only last a couple of months before my fat thighs eat the fabric and make holes in the crotch. Solution: lose weight. Well fucking duh bitch. But even when I was 125 ( I was also very hot at this weight despite not wearing a size 0!) pounds and a fit active female my legs still rubbed together. Not as much as now of course (carb thighs!) but they still grazed. Second solution: Spend more, get a longer life out of them.

Friends have also told me to try Nordstroms Rack for good deals. I tried a pair on at the running store and they were all see through. 60 bucks and strangers don't have to guess the pattern of my underwear? Pass. Anyway this is currently what I need the most as I should be visiting the gym 5-6 times a week. Lord give me mercy! I'll probably try the Rack and when I meet my second weight loss goal I will upgrade to lululemon.

New Jeans/ New Work pants:

Winter is coming.....

Since time just seems to be FLYING BY I know that this 90 degree day will be on of the last unnecessarily hot days of the year. Beautiful fall will be followed by super cold winter. Not snow cold (please no!) but north west cold where it can't decide what it wants to be. I'll have to put this off till October, probably mid. That's okay this gives me time to re kick off my gluten free month vow and new jeans will be a reward. Followed by a trip to H&M for cheap yet sensible work pants. First of the month I need to pay off my running shoes and I'm still debating whether my lazy self should buy amazon prime. Might be nice to have and.....ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK!

 Other necessities that don't really require a photo and are in no particular order:

• Passport! My moms said she'd go halfsies so yow! Probably a mid October wait as well.
• New Modcloth tights and new infinity scarf.- I wear brightly colored tights at the museum all the damn time. Mainly because I am not suppose to as it is not museum color code. However, it is technically an accessory. However, I do need some more demure colors, dark grey and deep wine for job interviews and for a nice fall look. And their scarfs are just cool.
• New pillows. My alignment is completely out of whack. I need one of those pillows that you get at a chiropractors office. Well...don't have the money to see him so in the mean time I'll have to settle for 30 dollar ikea sturdy pillows. I'm asking for a posturepedic 80 dollar one for my birthday in December. Last year I asked for a sonic care from my parents... oooo growing up. 
• Full Length mirror. I had one when I was living in Pullman. Haven't a clue what happened to it when I moved back west. I also had one when I was partially living at my ex boyfriends. I purposefully left it behind because it was a piece of shit he told me to buy from Ross. He loved Ross. I hate Ross. And its no great loss (did not mean to rhyme) as it slowly began to bend and was only 15 dollars. Ikea.... I think a trip to you is upon us!
• Foam Roller- my IT band can get out of control. Need this for a good stretch. 
• Cross fit classes. I hope that groupon is still good. And psycho paleo people say this is the best work out ever and I got a lot of fat to lose!
• Christmas presents. I'm buying these early in case I have a mental break down and leave the museum around the holidays. Just saying.

I think for now that is all. If I could have all those now and a hot bod then I don't know what I'd do with myself. Climb a mountain, learn three new languages, discover the cure for cancer? Okay not that ambitious. But I'll keep looking at this and crossing off things I can and need to get and start really saving for things I want....last night I dreamed I was in Iceland and on the boat there I saw mermaids made of ice swimming in the dark sea. It was beautiful and I hope a premonition.

Yoga

The other day I did not want to go to the gym. I wanted to stay home and watch Honey Boo Boo, don't judge! My sister urged me to go as did my best friend, " You have to go to yoga.  I'm next to a white doctor and his off the boat wife who doesn't speak English. Its yoga or (insert random ex boyfriend name here.) "

So I went. I liked it of course. I like yoga. I've always liked yoga. I like how I feel afterwards, I like that it stretches out my oh so tight muscles and I liked wearing my new yoga top to class. (sorry no photo of me in it  but cute!)

I remember the first time I did yoga. It was 1998. Please don't remind me how old I am. I was up very early in the morning as I couldn't sleep from being nervous ( yeah still going on). I turned to the fitness section of  Seventeen magazine that included a full section of a yoga sequence. I did it and felt instantly better. Relaxed. I stuck with it off and on since then. 

I think I need to include it in my work out regime. At least once a week I need to make an effort to do this. Not just for fitness but because I just like it. Its important with work outs that you do something you like. If you HATE the treadmill and if you HATE lifting weights but that's all you are doing, eventually you will stop as you will lose interest entirely. I'm not saying either are terrible work outs but if that is all you are doing well, duh you're gonna get bored pretty quickly. 

Moral of the story: Do what you like. Try new things, re-discover old things you once loved. Life is too short to spend on the mundane.

Make it yourself gluten free bread isn't splendid

Looks like bread right? Smelled like bread? Yes. Tasted like bread? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

This was what I feared it would be as I have feared has been the same result with all paleo gluten free breads. Imagine baking an egg, that is still slightly runny. Now imagine taking the stalest bread crumbs and sprinkling it on top of that egg. And now imagine adding a light dusting of crumbled almond powder on top. Take a bite. Delicious? No. Recipe was from The Wheat Belly cookbook. Sorry dude, the pizza crust was alright as were the chocolate chip cookies but this was nicht gut!

Paleo people need to recognize that eggs are not a substitute for flavor or texture. Adding 7 eggs to your own cup of flour recipes is not going to make a lovely comforting loaf of bread. You can't eat bread and you hate your life, but hey you don't have a muffin top so there is the trade off.

I would however like fitness in my life but don't want to sacrifice taste. I either spend 6 plus dollars on a loaf of organic gluten free bread from the store or I just learn to bake gluten free bread.

I recently purchased this book.

Not only does it not include recipes that don't require almond flour. (Almond flour is an expensive alternative to other flours. Bob Mills one pound bag could be from 10 to 12 dollars or you can purchase from a company called Honeyville for 34 dollars for a five pound back. If you are poor like me but desire for a gluten free lifestyle this can add up to a lot of money spent over time) Also please spare me the whole, "But you won't get cancer" argument.

The recipes include gluten free alternative flours such as potato flour, coconut flour, chickpea and tapioca. These average about 5 to 6 dollars per bag.

I also did cartwheels when their bread recipe unlike so many other paleo/primal/ gluten free recipes only called for 1 EGG instead of 6 eggs. AHHHH!!!! That just might be edible. The book also leaves Dairy as an option as some paleo/primal people refuse to eat dairy do to allergies. I do have a slight intolerance to milk and excess dairy but I keep cheese and Greek yogurt in my diet. I'll continue to keep these in my diet for now as both are low in carbs and carbs are what is causing the most damage. When my weight becomes more stabilized I will be breaking from dairy for a while.

I haven't made anything from it yet but plan to very soon. I need to make a much needed trip to Marlenes to stock up on potato flour, potato starch and coconut sugar (another reasonable alternative to sugar).

I was going to wait until my payday but I think I just need to get these items this week. The transition back to gluten free lower carb is a hard one. Once you give into that sweet seductress of bread its hard to break back out of it. BUT I just gotta keep reminding myself i'm switching things in my life that are good for something better. Good = a comforting bowl of pasta, sweet treats and pug cuddles. Better = food that doesn't make me feel icky but tastes good, sweet gluten free homemade treats and cuddles from pugs and a hot boyfriend, oh and smaller clothes!!!!!


A yogurt I have fallen in love with. Most soy, not legit yogurt is really disgusting. And I grew to loathe fake yogurt but this is sooo good. You can find Almond Dream at any health retailer or local grocery store. Check the allergy geek (aka health section of your local grocer.)

I'll be posting some recipes through out the week from Primal Cravings.

Memory

I swear this will be the last post of my reflecting on the past. I want to put it behind me as much as you want me to stop talking about it and start talking about new food recipes and the woes of weight loss. Trust me those posts will come. Tomorrow I will be making gluten free bread, eating fig salads and drinking green smoothies to make up for my carbo load binge fest today. Gluten free living is a little bit of a pain but I truly did feel better sans the wheat. Once I ate it again I got an immediate stomach ache and a couple of days after a horrible rash on my breast. WTF?!?!?!?!?! Oye. Stupid ethnic bodies intolerance to everything! Anyway that is coming...check this out.  

 

It was much worse than this at my friends wedding. I thought something bit me awful but I really think it was an allergy.


Moving on from that from my blog post yesterday about 365 days ago I recalled a memory that happened just a few days prior to that event. I was driving to Depoe Bay Oregon with my mother. A vacation that I had paid for and because J and I had taken a break a couple of weeks before the vacay I had to still go one it as I could not get a refund. I should have begged the people to give me back my money but eh who doesn't like the coast? I used that time as a scapegoat to figure out where I wanted to go from there. Did I want to work things out with J? Did I want to leave and never look back? What do I want from my life in general? I didn't expect to have all the answers but I needed some clarity and I needed to get away from well...everything.

My mother and I stopped in Cannon Beach which is about 2 hours from our destination and about 1 hour west of Portland. If you've ever been to the Oregon coast you know it is under a constant cover of storm clouds and bitter winds, but it is has some of the most beautiful beaches.

 (not my photo)

 

Instead of storm clouds of doom it was actually very sunny and dare I say warm? Everyone was in town. The beach was swarmed with people from Washington, Portland, other coastal towns and who knows where else. People had their children out in the water, surfers were eyeing the perfect wave, hordes of women lounged on reclined sun chairs desiring the perfect tan. I had just gotten done eating lunch and pig n a pancake...don't judge they have bomb waffles. Also don't judge me for still saying bomb I'm a child of the 90s.

 

Now here is the memory that stuck out at me that was kind of an eye opener of the trip. We made our way from the restaurant to the beach. A short walk. Bypassing a lot of people on the side walk. We were just around the corner of the steps that lead down when I spotted a couple and their two dogs. The couple was probably early to maybe late 30s. No older than 38. They drove a chic environmental friendly car a hybrid of some kind. They both looked as if they shopped at REI and other outdoors type retailers. The woman grabbed a towel from their car and took each dog and wrapped the towel around them to drive them off. Maybe it was the fact that the dogs were bull dogs and I love bull dogs and it touched a soft spot in me. Maybe it was something else, but I watched these two and just smiled. They may have children, maybe not I didn't see any around the car or screaming in the car. It was just a man, woman and their two dogs and chic car. It was as I said kind of an eye opener. I have never been a maternal person. I always thought that if I had children it would not be before I am 30. I'm 29 this December (FUCK!!!!) and unless Tom Hiddleston proposes I will get my wish of no kids in my 20s. I never even imagined myself being married younger than my late 20s. I have not completely cut the idea of having children out of my life but if I did it would have to be with someone special. Someone who I knew would raise them with the same values and creativity that I hold important in my life. If that doesn't happen, sure I'll have fur kids. The point I'm making is this couple on the beach looked so happy. So happy living a life sans children, my ex wanted kids and if you met his nephew you would know why I was so hesitant to have them with him.

 

Shortly after the trip and after my official break up I created vision pages in my journal. If you are unfamiliar with what vision pages are, its like a vision board. You pin or paste items to a board that you want in your life, focus energy on those things and you may eventually get them. I did a journal because I had no board. Though I did create a board on pinterest. ;)

 

     Yes a vision of mine is to have a boyfriend as hot as Tom Hiddleston. That would be fantastic. I wanted to post real healthy bodies too so please don't think I'm pro thinspiration. Pass.

365 days later. I think I finally get it. Time to be the woman I want to be. Whether she be a mother to fur kids or a mother to an actual child. The sun will rise and set whether I bid it not to. Time shall pass and with it I shall continue to grow and strive for a better tomorrow.



"Gatsby believe in the green light The orgastic future which recedes us that year by year recedes us. It eluded us then but that's no matter- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther...and then one fine morning- so we beat on boats against the current borne back ceacesslessly into the past." Nick Carraway The Great Gatsby.  

 

 

 

 

365 days

God its been one year already?

I have been kind of dreading writing this blog post. Should I? Should I ignore my thoughts and feelings? Should I even bother sharing this with everyone else? Well... the later I really don't know who reads this. Maybe no one though Blogger tells me other wise. So If you are here for my recipes and general hatred of anything healthy perhaps this is not the blog post for you. I promise more food to come but for now I must vent. Cheaper than therapy.

It kind of feels like it was just yesterday. A grossly overused expression but still some days it does. I had wanted to get out for such a long while that when it happened it was a shock. I still loved this person and I was scared. I didn't want to hurt them. I never wanted them to hate me. But they didn't care enough to leave things on decent terms. When they saw my weakness they took advantage and stabbed me in the back. I was dismissed as if the last four years meant nothing. I felt powerless, completely crushed and worst of all I was in such a state of anger that I could barely even speak. So many things I would say if I could (coulda, woulda, shoulda) " Why did you lead me on like that only to just pretend to be the bigger person and call it quits? Why treat me like some common one night stand with such little respect when I waited and waited and wanted to listen to all your fucking bull shit before I was the one who walked away? Why is your mind so centered on whatever bitch you date loving your family? You've shown your true colors, a cowardly lion in a sheep's clothing. I should have ended this long before if I knew this was the kind of person you were." I wanted to say these things but my anger it brewed in me like some angry spell and I knew that if I opened my mouth I'd scream so loud that I'd wake the dead. and I would not be able to stop. Couldn't stop.

365 days ago. I was left heart broken but relieved. Not heart broken because I truly believed we'd be married with children. Heart broken because the person that I felt closest to, whom I shared so much with dismissed me with out so much as a second thought and led me to believe he wanted to work things out. Does it still hurt? It was a slap in the face but I am mending well. The problem was bigger than him. I did not want him. I did not want the life I knew he would live. My regret was not leaving sooner. But it was still someone I loved and telling that love to cease was tough but I manage. That's not a love I'd want to rekindle. Ever.

365 days ago I was scared, betrayed but ever ready to move on with my life. I knew I didn't want another love. Not so soon. I'm not the rebounding kind of gal. The life I would have with J would not have been a life I'd have been happy in.

I can not say I am where I want to be in life. You know this faithful blog readers. You know the woes of my life. You know the many quite a plenty dead ends and standstills that I have come up against this past year. I will spare you the terribly tediousness of listing them all. In spite of these I can say I have accomplished something I set out to do.

- I relearned German. Ich bin nicht fließend in Deutsch aber Ich bin lernen.  
- I have traveled more. SF I am looking at you.
- I am more well read.
- I know how to cook more home cooked meals. Prob one reason why my weight has not adjusted too much.
- I've made new friends and been to new places.
- picked up new hobbies.
- I march to the beat of my own drum and no one can stop me.

I can not control the things I could not change. I'm sure had I had a more lucrative income (believe me I have looked!) I'd be adding more travel to that list and maybe picked up fancier hobbies.

365 days...I got to say I do envy people who bounce back from personal tragedies (no I don't compare what happened to me to death) but that isn't me. I had to dwell, eat my feelings, lean on my friends and family for moral support and try to figure out what the world had in store for me.

I am sick of wanting. I want love, I want a fit body, I want a place to call my own. I want want want OKAY ! We get it. I just have to turn those wants into haves. I need to stop giving myself deadlines to become the person I want to be and just work toward becoming that person.

Everyone around me their lives are changing. I need to change too. A close friend and co-worker just got married. They are pretty much the most in sync couple I have ever known. I am plenty happy for them. And check it out are the hippest bride and groom I have ever seen.

 My best friend is also coming back home. This is a bittersweet return. She was in LA for acting and has made huge strides in her career but a dispute wit h a roommate is sending her home.  But I am glad to have her more in my life than before. She is an ambitious girl who can do anything she puts her heart to so I know the future has much in store for her.

 I think I finally get what my body is tolerating and what its not. I am becoming more understanding of my triggers. Even going to the mall in Tacoma is a trigger as I use to go there with J and I fear I will run into him there. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of wanting. I strive to be fearless and I strive for necessary change. It may have taken me a year to get to this point, but the important thing is that I have arrived.

I know this past year I should have been doing this everyday...

But instead I was doing this.....

and eating this.....

As I said I think I just needed to live life by my own rules. And if necessary leisure and gluttony was apart of that then so be it. I can't change the past and I take responsibility for my actions. I just praise the Gods that I am not fatter than where I was one year ago!


Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better and I think that though this year brought some fun memories that my next choices will be life altering.

365 days. I doubt mean anything to him as he is currently fucking a meth face. But I did do a lot of soul searching and though it was hard to be alone at times I would have chosen to be alone rather than spend one more year with him. Jeremy, we were not meant to be. We must live our lives walking very different paths. I'm tired of feeling bitter to you. I'm tired of being afraid and I need to move on in every way I can.

365 days.... from now. This day will matter no more. I will be different from who I am today as I am different from who I was one year ago. I'll have my health, I'll have new paths, new love, more importantly I'll have my friends and family. I will have plenty.

These 365 days was a personal battle. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of wanting. I just want to be and I just want to become the woman I know I am suppose to be.

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions -Augusten Burroughs