I struggle very much with insomnia. I fall asleep but even when I am very tired it takes quite a long time. My mind wanders and wanders till unexpectedly my heart starts to race. I do not drink caffeine past 7 pm and I usually don't fall asleep till 2 maybe 230 am (not entirely my choice mind you.) I woke up feeling awful that I missed my morning work out that I genuinely wanted to do but couldn't due to insufficient sleep. I can't fall asleep fast enough at night and I rise feeling like total shit. I am really not sure whats going on.
I came to work (today) feeling as if I was going to faint. My chest feels as if someone is jolting it with caffeine (I was an idiot and thought a diet coke perchance would wake me up this am) and I have a headache. It is a little better now that a couple hours have passed. But I don't know why I am feeling like such shit.
My work sucks and can not go to a doctor. If I could I would go to overrule that the situation isn't more than just simply diet, more exercise and whatever else (I'm fat so they will probably just tell me to lose weight and prescribe me something). But I'd also hesitate as they would likely prescribe me an anti-depressant. I've had friends that have suffered from anxiety, bipolar and various other mental disorders and the meds....can actually make it worse.
Despite what hippies say I do think there is importance and merit behind modern medicine. Disease have been cured, prevented ect that once upon a time could kill a man in hours. I'm not arguing beyond that, but I do feel that the insurance companies bank on the ill. This is sad because it really should not be this way but I understand it is a growing business. Without bringing up my countries food corporations that are killing some, I will say that some of the problems go beyond that.
I do come from a long line of mental disorders that carry from beyond my grandparents. These were before the days of diet sodas, fast food chains and the divine beauty of Cinnabon. I will not argue that these modern conveniences in the American diet don't contribute to mental and physical disease, I believe they do but if you already carry the gene for these you are likely to inherit them regardless. If only Gattaca were a thing. Then perhaps my parents would have had the gene obliterated from themselves and inserted in place of it a musical talent or an aptitude for mathematics.
I think also the ever impending doom of my future remainder that this past year has resulted in many failures. Failure to get in shape, failure to eat right, failure to find a new job, failure to travel because of my current jobs lack of money, failure to move out, failure to save our pug Kobe Beef and failure to not save myself from the inevitable faith of being a born again virgin (no I'm not talking about Jesus, I'm referring to a True Blood vampire Jessica situation.) So as you see I am Queen of Fail. Next week will be August. Last August, I was as you all know in a relationship I desperately wanted out of and resented but didn't leave it fearing I would hurt the other person too much. Well giant slap in the face that turned out to be. Fear and doubt are the parents of anxiety disorders.
I wanted change. I really really did and DO! But this year I've heard more nos than yes. I haven't had the funds to support the spontaneity I wanted for this new found single hood. I haven't had the funds to even buy decent enough groceries as what little money I earned just paid rent, bills and gas to a job I dislike. I had a blind hope for the future one year ago. Sad to leave a relationship I invested so much of myself into but ultimately relieved that it was now over and I could start to move on. Being with someone else right now is something I would like to explore.I would like to wait till I have been single for a full year (1 year in September) before exploring that again. It was never my intention to date immediately after my break up. That wasn't why I chose to leave. I was not against dating before my 1 year hiatus and as you all know I will not do as my ex did and sleep with the first person who will have me regardless of beauty or lack there of in his case. Dating no doubt will be turbulent but I have been ready in my heart for some time. Based on my current mental, financial state it is with certainty not the most important thing in my life.
so whats a poor girl to do? Sadly, there is little that can be done. I don't want to be heavily medicated but I need to see a doctor, shrink, dentist, eye doctor whatever. I am willing to admit that I need help in my current state whether it be mental or physical. But until I am newly employed somewhere ( Obama care insurance prices will not be available till October 1st but if I do not have new employment I will apply.) I have to rely on other methods. I will continue my daily yoga, work out because it does give me energy and is good for my heart. I will have to avoid any caffeinated drinks, this includes soda but natural root beer and an occasional sierra mist is okay. This sucks. I like coffee but am often too poor for a sexy frappachino.
I'll also have to stick to my nightly swigs of Zquil as it does help aid in faster sleep. Hippie pills that I get from Fred Meyers that are locally made help as well.I may have to start taking st. johns wort as well, as my anxiety is also likely linked to a form of depression. In fact, I should probably just accept it as my fate. This morning I tossed and turned willing myself to go back to sleep and regretting the day before I even got up. I just wanted to take to the bed and not emerge until I was ready. Whenever ready would come.
I do want help. I do want change. I do also fear it but I want to embrace it. I've caught myself judging others for things that come so easily to them and becoming frustrated by the good in their lives. I dislike myself greatly when I do this and try to stifle it immediately as I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person who misses out on life due to things being beyond my control or for my own faults. The sun will rise whether I will it not to and the woodpeckers will peck outside my window no matter how much I curse their lives. I still have a long journey ahead of me of self change and I can not give up on myself.
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