Hello mein freund, it has been a while

I know I have been avoiding you like the plague.

My health has been shit. I work out one week. I eat like crap the next. I don't work out one week and eat fine. Still feel like shit. My room is a mess. My job life is no bueno as I am just reminded of how much I want to leave Tacoma and how unfulfilling my daily tasks are. I love the people I work with and would love to continue working with them. But this is not a long term position and I get every single day just how disposable I am to upper management. I have applied to four places as of recently. Jobs that I did really want, one that I wouldn't have mind having and felt I was practically a shoe in for the position. Turned down by all. So you can guess my mood has not been the most pleasant as of lately.

And then this happened. http://vitoriasbookandfilm.blogspot.com/2013/05/a-debut.html

Safe to say I was crushed, betrayed, angry, annoyed and just down right ready to kill something. I didn't eat much for a couple of days and I hated myself. I didn't understand why someone who claimed to have loved me so much and was so fearful of never finding anyone else like me found someone within 3 to 4 months? Well... I can assure you from what I have seen of her and read she is NOTHING like me. I may not be the most beautiful or educated woman but I look like a woman.

Any way that has been hard to reel myself back from. I am glad my dear friend had told me because I think I needed to know but it was still hard to hear. According to another friend him and his new gf look like people who live under the stairs....for all you born after 1992...

I still can not get the distaste for them out of my thoughts. I don't want what they have. I hadn't wanted J or the life he lived for a long while. But I never wanted to hurt him. A friends cousin said on her facebook the quickest way to get over a woman is to get under a new one. I find this to be pathetic but true for so many men. I've sold almost every piece of jewelry he gave me. I didn't want to at first but after I found out I just couldn't look at them any more without wanting to punch a wall. They were never really my taste. I have much better taste than he ever had. The only things I am keeping are a vegan coat from modcloth and a pair of earrings from etsy. Its been difficult saying goodbye to those pieces but when they were bought it was a much happier time for both of us.

As the days get warmer, longer and prettier I do have a longing for that newness of a summer romance. Him and I had not had that since who knows. We met in the summer and it was not instant magic but it was fun. I mentioned my fondness in my summer of love 2008 post... http://vitoriasbookandfilm.blogspot.com/2013/06/mistake.html.. oh also I mention our beloved rescue pug Kobe Beef passed away in that. ....yeah it is safe to say it has been a pretty shit year so far.

So I lack the motivation to confess my dull sins to you because well they are dull.
I enjoyed my leisure. I don't necessarily regret not jumping on the train to low carbville right after my break up. Fuck yeah I loved sleeping alone (not sarcasm at all .J stole all the blankets.) Fuck yeah I loved eating dairy and not worrying about farting on my lover. Fuck yeah I love living by my schedule and fuck yeah for total independence from a lackluster relationship.

This year is not over yet. I resend my decision to date come August 1st though. I said that in a state of confused and blind desire. http://vitoriasbookandfilm.blogspot.com/2013/05/an-epiphany.html
I commend myself for handling my celibacy better than I had in the past. I think once becoming sexually active the longest I had been without sex was 7 months. I was ready to mount something. The desire is still there of course. In fact I think my strongest desires are sex and food, a dangerous combo. Especially the fact that I want to lose weight before I date or have sex again and my booming nearly 30 libido is like.....puh-lease~~!!!!!!

However due to the fact that I need to shape up a bit more I am resending that deadline. Sure if I happen to meet someone completely awesome I would be willing to date but no match.com membership for me yet.

I completely envy people that can just lose weight. That stick to one solid plan and see it all the way through. I admire, hate, loathe and dig these people completely. But what works for some (despite what a x has said) does not always work for others. I can't keep throwing in the towel. I have to look at the big picture. I want so badly to be healthier. I want so badly to have a job that I love (or hell even like) where I have stability. I want so badly to see the world, to pay off my debt and to start living a more adult life. I also want to have love in my life. This is why it was so important for me to take this year. If I had been my goal weight when J and I had broken up...who knows how I would have coped with the failing effects of that break up. I am no slut, but I may have made a few mistakes in that new found freedom. Everything happens for a reason. This I believe absolutely. Maybe I was meant to fall, over and over, maybe I was meant to be turned down by those other jobs because... I don't know yet why. It may take time but I will get there.

I have to remind myself of this.