http://www.doyouyoga.com/dating-your-body-the-relationship-you-are-already-in/
Wise words.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Modern medicine and doubt
I'm not entirely sure how I shall start this but I think it may be obvious I should be medicated, perhaps heavily.
I struggle very much with insomnia. I fall asleep but even when I am very tired it takes quite a long time. My mind wanders and wanders till unexpectedly my heart starts to race. I do not drink caffeine past 7 pm and I usually don't fall asleep till 2 maybe 230 am (not entirely my choice mind you.) I woke up feeling awful that I missed my morning work out that I genuinely wanted to do but couldn't due to insufficient sleep. I can't fall asleep fast enough at night and I rise feeling like total shit. I am really not sure whats going on.
I came to work (today) feeling as if I was going to faint. My chest feels as if someone is jolting it with caffeine (I was an idiot and thought a diet coke perchance would wake me up this am) and I have a headache. It is a little better now that a couple hours have passed. But I don't know why I am feeling like such shit.
My work sucks and can not go to a doctor. If I could I would go to overrule that the situation isn't more than just simply diet, more exercise and whatever else (I'm fat so they will probably just tell me to lose weight and prescribe me something). But I'd also hesitate as they would likely prescribe me an anti-depressant. I've had friends that have suffered from anxiety, bipolar and various other mental disorders and the meds....can actually make it worse.
Despite what hippies say I do think there is importance and merit behind modern medicine. Disease have been cured, prevented ect that once upon a time could kill a man in hours. I'm not arguing beyond that, but I do feel that the insurance companies bank on the ill. This is sad because it really should not be this way but I understand it is a growing business. Without bringing up my countries food corporations that are killing some, I will say that some of the problems go beyond that.
I do come from a long line of mental disorders that carry from beyond my grandparents. These were before the days of diet sodas, fast food chains and the divine beauty of Cinnabon. I will not argue that these modern conveniences in the American diet don't contribute to mental and physical disease, I believe they do but if you already carry the gene for these you are likely to inherit them regardless. If only Gattaca were a thing. Then perhaps my parents would have had the gene obliterated from themselves and inserted in place of it a musical talent or an aptitude for mathematics.
I think also the ever impending doom of my future remainder that this past year has resulted in many failures. Failure to get in shape, failure to eat right, failure to find a new job, failure to travel because of my current jobs lack of money, failure to move out, failure to save our pug Kobe Beef and failure to not save myself from the inevitable faith of being a born again virgin (no I'm not talking about Jesus, I'm referring to a True Blood vampire Jessica situation.) So as you see I am Queen of Fail. Next week will be August. Last August, I was as you all know in a relationship I desperately wanted out of and resented but didn't leave it fearing I would hurt the other person too much. Well giant slap in the face that turned out to be. Fear and doubt are the parents of anxiety disorders.
I wanted change. I really really did and DO! But this year I've heard more nos than yes. I haven't had the funds to support the spontaneity I wanted for this new found single hood. I haven't had the funds to even buy decent enough groceries as what little money I earned just paid rent, bills and gas to a job I dislike. I had a blind hope for the future one year ago. Sad to leave a relationship I invested so much of myself into but ultimately relieved that it was now over and I could start to move on. Being with someone else right now is something I would like to explore.I would like to wait till I have been single for a full year (1 year in September) before exploring that again. It was never my intention to date immediately after my break up. That wasn't why I chose to leave. I was not against dating before my 1 year hiatus and as you all know I will not do as my ex did and sleep with the first person who will have me regardless of beauty or lack there of in his case. Dating no doubt will be turbulent but I have been ready in my heart for some time. Based on my current mental, financial state it is with certainty not the most important thing in my life.
so whats a poor girl to do? Sadly, there is little that can be done. I don't want to be heavily medicated but I need to see a doctor, shrink, dentist, eye doctor whatever. I am willing to admit that I need help in my current state whether it be mental or physical. But until I am newly employed somewhere ( Obama care insurance prices will not be available till October 1st but if I do not have new employment I will apply.) I have to rely on other methods. I will continue my daily yoga, work out because it does give me energy and is good for my heart. I will have to avoid any caffeinated drinks, this includes soda but natural root beer and an occasional sierra mist is okay. This sucks. I like coffee but am often too poor for a sexy frappachino.
I'll also have to stick to my nightly swigs of Zquil as it does help aid in faster sleep. Hippie pills that I get from Fred Meyers that are locally made help as well.I may have to start taking st. johns wort as well, as my anxiety is also likely linked to a form of depression. In fact, I should probably just accept it as my fate. This morning I tossed and turned willing myself to go back to sleep and regretting the day before I even got up. I just wanted to take to the bed and not emerge until I was ready. Whenever ready would come.
I do want help. I do want change. I do also fear it but I want to embrace it. I've caught myself judging others for things that come so easily to them and becoming frustrated by the good in their lives. I dislike myself greatly when I do this and try to stifle it immediately as I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person who misses out on life due to things being beyond my control or for my own faults. The sun will rise whether I will it not to and the woodpeckers will peck outside my window no matter how much I curse their lives. I still have a long journey ahead of me of self change and I can not give up on myself.
I struggle very much with insomnia. I fall asleep but even when I am very tired it takes quite a long time. My mind wanders and wanders till unexpectedly my heart starts to race. I do not drink caffeine past 7 pm and I usually don't fall asleep till 2 maybe 230 am (not entirely my choice mind you.) I woke up feeling awful that I missed my morning work out that I genuinely wanted to do but couldn't due to insufficient sleep. I can't fall asleep fast enough at night and I rise feeling like total shit. I am really not sure whats going on.
I came to work (today) feeling as if I was going to faint. My chest feels as if someone is jolting it with caffeine (I was an idiot and thought a diet coke perchance would wake me up this am) and I have a headache. It is a little better now that a couple hours have passed. But I don't know why I am feeling like such shit.
My work sucks and can not go to a doctor. If I could I would go to overrule that the situation isn't more than just simply diet, more exercise and whatever else (I'm fat so they will probably just tell me to lose weight and prescribe me something). But I'd also hesitate as they would likely prescribe me an anti-depressant. I've had friends that have suffered from anxiety, bipolar and various other mental disorders and the meds....can actually make it worse.
Despite what hippies say I do think there is importance and merit behind modern medicine. Disease have been cured, prevented ect that once upon a time could kill a man in hours. I'm not arguing beyond that, but I do feel that the insurance companies bank on the ill. This is sad because it really should not be this way but I understand it is a growing business. Without bringing up my countries food corporations that are killing some, I will say that some of the problems go beyond that.
I do come from a long line of mental disorders that carry from beyond my grandparents. These were before the days of diet sodas, fast food chains and the divine beauty of Cinnabon. I will not argue that these modern conveniences in the American diet don't contribute to mental and physical disease, I believe they do but if you already carry the gene for these you are likely to inherit them regardless. If only Gattaca were a thing. Then perhaps my parents would have had the gene obliterated from themselves and inserted in place of it a musical talent or an aptitude for mathematics.
I think also the ever impending doom of my future remainder that this past year has resulted in many failures. Failure to get in shape, failure to eat right, failure to find a new job, failure to travel because of my current jobs lack of money, failure to move out, failure to save our pug Kobe Beef and failure to not save myself from the inevitable faith of being a born again virgin (no I'm not talking about Jesus, I'm referring to a True Blood vampire Jessica situation.) So as you see I am Queen of Fail. Next week will be August. Last August, I was as you all know in a relationship I desperately wanted out of and resented but didn't leave it fearing I would hurt the other person too much. Well giant slap in the face that turned out to be. Fear and doubt are the parents of anxiety disorders.
I wanted change. I really really did and DO! But this year I've heard more nos than yes. I haven't had the funds to support the spontaneity I wanted for this new found single hood. I haven't had the funds to even buy decent enough groceries as what little money I earned just paid rent, bills and gas to a job I dislike. I had a blind hope for the future one year ago. Sad to leave a relationship I invested so much of myself into but ultimately relieved that it was now over and I could start to move on. Being with someone else right now is something I would like to explore.I would like to wait till I have been single for a full year (1 year in September) before exploring that again. It was never my intention to date immediately after my break up. That wasn't why I chose to leave. I was not against dating before my 1 year hiatus and as you all know I will not do as my ex did and sleep with the first person who will have me regardless of beauty or lack there of in his case. Dating no doubt will be turbulent but I have been ready in my heart for some time. Based on my current mental, financial state it is with certainty not the most important thing in my life.
so whats a poor girl to do? Sadly, there is little that can be done. I don't want to be heavily medicated but I need to see a doctor, shrink, dentist, eye doctor whatever. I am willing to admit that I need help in my current state whether it be mental or physical. But until I am newly employed somewhere ( Obama care insurance prices will not be available till October 1st but if I do not have new employment I will apply.) I have to rely on other methods. I will continue my daily yoga, work out because it does give me energy and is good for my heart. I will have to avoid any caffeinated drinks, this includes soda but natural root beer and an occasional sierra mist is okay. This sucks. I like coffee but am often too poor for a sexy frappachino.
I'll also have to stick to my nightly swigs of Zquil as it does help aid in faster sleep. Hippie pills that I get from Fred Meyers that are locally made help as well.I may have to start taking st. johns wort as well, as my anxiety is also likely linked to a form of depression. In fact, I should probably just accept it as my fate. This morning I tossed and turned willing myself to go back to sleep and regretting the day before I even got up. I just wanted to take to the bed and not emerge until I was ready. Whenever ready would come.
I do want help. I do want change. I do also fear it but I want to embrace it. I've caught myself judging others for things that come so easily to them and becoming frustrated by the good in their lives. I dislike myself greatly when I do this and try to stifle it immediately as I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person who misses out on life due to things being beyond my control or for my own faults. The sun will rise whether I will it not to and the woodpeckers will peck outside my window no matter how much I curse their lives. I still have a long journey ahead of me of self change and I can not give up on myself.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
30 day yoga challenge
Hello Friends. I will be doing a 30 day yoga challenge. I was suppose to start this on Thursday when I signed up but it was Third Thursday and by the end of the day all that sounded good to me was relaxing and watching 3 episodes of Orange is the New Black. If you have not seen this show, you must!
I love yoga. At my fittest adult weight I did it at least three or four times a week. Its always been one of my most favorite work outs. Its like fancy prolonged stretching. My balance right now is shit as is my grace and poise (same thing? Maybe?) I decided to do the challenge to dedicate myself once more to something I use to love so much (still do) and to help myself gain some kind of grace back.
This girl kind of talks a bit much in her videos but she knows her stuff and is just trying to be helpful knowing all shapes and sizes are doing her yoga challenge. I did my first session today and it was lots of fun. After the 30 days, I may upgrade to a 30 day pilates challenge. Enjoy friends. :)
http://www.doyouyoga.com/day-1-30-day-yoga-challenge/?utm_source=getresponse&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=dyy_challenge&utm_content=Let%27s+Get+Started+%E2%80%93+Day+1+%E2%80%93+30+Day+Yoga+Challenge
Maybe by the end of both yoga challenge and pilates challenge I will be this chick. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loszrEZvS_k
I love yoga. At my fittest adult weight I did it at least three or four times a week. Its always been one of my most favorite work outs. Its like fancy prolonged stretching. My balance right now is shit as is my grace and poise (same thing? Maybe?) I decided to do the challenge to dedicate myself once more to something I use to love so much (still do) and to help myself gain some kind of grace back.
This girl kind of talks a bit much in her videos but she knows her stuff and is just trying to be helpful knowing all shapes and sizes are doing her yoga challenge. I did my first session today and it was lots of fun. After the 30 days, I may upgrade to a 30 day pilates challenge. Enjoy friends. :)
http://www.doyouyoga.com/day-1-30-day-yoga-challenge/?utm_source=getresponse&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=dyy_challenge&utm_content=Let%27s+Get+Started+%E2%80%93+Day+1+%E2%80%93+30+Day+Yoga+Challenge
Maybe by the end of both yoga challenge and pilates challenge I will be this chick. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loszrEZvS_k
Wants and Needs
Want and Need: New running shoes.
I've been really putting this off. Mostly because I was born with the most awkward feet. Okay exaggeration but still. I have a very wide bridge, like a hobbit and slender child heels.
They are also small. 6.5 or 7. Most often than not a 7. I can't just go to a store like Nordstroms or even Big 5 and pick up any pair. I need to be specially fitted or else I will suffer the annoying consequence of blisters and torn apart Achilles. The good news is because of my awkward feet I don't have an out of control shoe collection that goes beyond what I can afford. I'm talking about you Carrie Bradshaw, pre money.
I realize this post has nothing to do with food. But it does have to do with exercise which I need to do a ton of if I want some cute skinny jeans this fall.
Lately its like I'm running with Jesus Sandals as my nearly ten year old running shoes have holes and the interior material is falling out. So I just need to bite the bullet. Shell out 100 + bucks for shoes at a store my running and fit co-worker swears by and get the shoes. They see how you run so they can suggest the best shoe and they have a 60 day return policy. I think it is pretty muy importante that I get some.
Want/Need: new running shoes. Stat!
Want/ Need: passport. I have no money to travel anywhere exotic. But god damn it. I have wanted one for years. Needed one for years. Its why I haven't gone to Canada and its like right the fuck there (3hrs away.) At least a passport will put me one step in the right direction. Iceland, England, Paris, Spain, Denmark...Canada. I will see you one day. I am beginning to think that my desire to travel is much more a need than a want. :/
I've been really putting this off. Mostly because I was born with the most awkward feet. Okay exaggeration but still. I have a very wide bridge, like a hobbit and slender child heels.
They are also small. 6.5 or 7. Most often than not a 7. I can't just go to a store like Nordstroms or even Big 5 and pick up any pair. I need to be specially fitted or else I will suffer the annoying consequence of blisters and torn apart Achilles. The good news is because of my awkward feet I don't have an out of control shoe collection that goes beyond what I can afford. I'm talking about you Carrie Bradshaw, pre money.
I realize this post has nothing to do with food. But it does have to do with exercise which I need to do a ton of if I want some cute skinny jeans this fall.
Lately its like I'm running with Jesus Sandals as my nearly ten year old running shoes have holes and the interior material is falling out. So I just need to bite the bullet. Shell out 100 + bucks for shoes at a store my running and fit co-worker swears by and get the shoes. They see how you run so they can suggest the best shoe and they have a 60 day return policy. I think it is pretty muy importante that I get some.
Want/Need: new running shoes. Stat!
Want/ Need: passport. I have no money to travel anywhere exotic. But god damn it. I have wanted one for years. Needed one for years. Its why I haven't gone to Canada and its like right the fuck there (3hrs away.) At least a passport will put me one step in the right direction. Iceland, England, Paris, Spain, Denmark...Canada. I will see you one day. I am beginning to think that my desire to travel is much more a need than a want. :/
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Abs Diet Taco Salad!!!!
This is hands down one of the best salads I have eaten. Its like eating taco innards. I did crush a small handful of corn chips as the abs diet said it is aloud. I am not following that specific diet but they have very yummy looking recipes that happen to be gluten free that don't make you want to kill yourself. I'll be having to stock up on grass fed beef for this treat. Can easily be substitute with ground turkey or meatless crumbles that you can find at any grocery.
A thinner Mexican dinner
For the meat
3/4 pound of 90% lean or higher of ground beef
2 cloves of garlic minced
1 can of organic black beans, drained.
1 tablespoon of chili powder
1/4 teaspoon of cayanne pepper
1/3 cup of water
For dressing-
4 medium tomatoes- if you know me you know I HATE tomatoes. I used a whole organic red bell pepper.
2 tablespoons of olive oil
2 tablespoons of lime juice
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon of blackpepper
For salad-
Two hearts or romaine, chopped. or salad of choice.
1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
crushed corn chips.
Directions
1. heat large skillet over medium high heat. Add meat and break with wooden spoon until all there is no visible pinkness. Add garlic and black beans and cook for two more minutes. Add chili powder, cayenne, and water and stir until well- combined and some but not all liquid has been absorbed. Remove from heat and allow mixture to cool slightly.
2. mix dressing ingredients in seperate bowl.
3. Divide salad fixings and add the cooked beef, top with a sprinkle of cheese and the tomato (bell pepper) based dressing. Add crushed corn chips if desired.
For added nutritional bonus add diced avocado!
Olive Gordita Chi chi face asks that you remember to always eat your fruits and vegetables.
A thinner Mexican dinner
For the meat
3/4 pound of 90% lean or higher of ground beef
2 cloves of garlic minced
1 can of organic black beans, drained.
1 tablespoon of chili powder
1/4 teaspoon of cayanne pepper
1/3 cup of water
For dressing-
4 medium tomatoes- if you know me you know I HATE tomatoes. I used a whole organic red bell pepper.
2 tablespoons of olive oil
2 tablespoons of lime juice
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon of blackpepper
For salad-
Two hearts or romaine, chopped. or salad of choice.
1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
crushed corn chips.
Directions
1. heat large skillet over medium high heat. Add meat and break with wooden spoon until all there is no visible pinkness. Add garlic and black beans and cook for two more minutes. Add chili powder, cayenne, and water and stir until well- combined and some but not all liquid has been absorbed. Remove from heat and allow mixture to cool slightly.
2. mix dressing ingredients in seperate bowl.
3. Divide salad fixings and add the cooked beef, top with a sprinkle of cheese and the tomato (bell pepper) based dressing. Add crushed corn chips if desired.
For added nutritional bonus add diced avocado!
Olive Gordita Chi chi face asks that you remember to always eat your fruits and vegetables.
Breakfast- the most important of the day?
Sure it is. You don't want to go through the day hangry do you?
Natures path gluten free buckwheat waffles. Take a spoon full of peanut butter and spread it in the middle. Drizzle a little strawberry syrup (or syrup of choice) and top with blueberries and crushed walnuts. OMG!
I apologize for the non rotation but for whatever reason my blog does not want to comply with my orders. Simple egg scramble with minced dried onion and sliced orange bell pepper. The yogurt is Greek, mixed in with truvia, 1/4 cup of all bran cereal and strawberries.
I've been trying to stay cool with my breakfasts. I figure if I start the day with something good that won't completely send my blood sugar into over drive and doesn't make me want to throw myself on a sword then it is one step closer to my dream of hot bod. Here are a couple of my favorite breakfasts.
Natures path gluten free buckwheat waffles. Take a spoon full of peanut butter and spread it in the middle. Drizzle a little strawberry syrup (or syrup of choice) and top with blueberries and crushed walnuts. OMG!
Mashed Cauliflower----NOT YO POTATO!!!!
Cauliflower I am convinced is on the menu in hell. It is a bland and awkward food. It also makes me think of a horrible story a college roommate told me once about going to a picnic and having her aunt open one up and earwigs popping out of them. OMG!!!!
But in desperation and from my deep love of potatoes I found a semi successful recipe. Closet Cooking blog has some amazing dishes. Some healthy, some deliciously bad for you. Kevin- the blogger really knows how to get those taste buds drooling. I have made this twice and find that it is probably the only way I will eat cauliflower. Sadly it is not dairy free. I am sure with some patience it can be made dairy free (sub greek yogurt for vegan sour cream and the milk for unsweetened rice or soy). I do have a dairy allergy BUT currently I am aware that my high starch intake in the past is what is causing my weight loss failures. Till I get that more under control dairy will have to stay in my diet. But only minimally, in low fat cheeses and greek yogurt which I don't go past two servings a day. Here is the recipe.
Servings: makes 4-6 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Total Time: 20 minutes
In my quest for the perfect starch substitutes rice cauliflower fails miserably. Zucchini for pasta is not awful but it is only good if the sauce is divine and there is cheese involved. Don't get my started on spaghetti squash. No matter how I cook it...its like tasting crunchy pumpkin innards.
I was ready to throw in the towel on cauliflower. When I passed by its disgusting rough terrain body in the produce aisle my eyes shut before their hideous form. I've even started to explore gluten free options. This isn't going to solve my weight problem though but it is a start. I technically shouldn't have any starch on account of my insulin resistant genetics (thanks mom and dad!) but I am working on eliminating wheat to start and then lessoning everything else gradually. As recommended in the glycemic load book Dr. Thompson does not suggest going cold turkey.
But in desperation and from my deep love of potatoes I found a semi successful recipe. Closet Cooking blog has some amazing dishes. Some healthy, some deliciously bad for you. Kevin- the blogger really knows how to get those taste buds drooling. I have made this twice and find that it is probably the only way I will eat cauliflower. Sadly it is not dairy free. I am sure with some patience it can be made dairy free (sub greek yogurt for vegan sour cream and the milk for unsweetened rice or soy). I do have a dairy allergy BUT currently I am aware that my high starch intake in the past is what is causing my weight loss failures. Till I get that more under control dairy will have to stay in my diet. But only minimally, in low fat cheeses and greek yogurt which I don't go past two servings a day. Here is the recipe.
Garlic Mashed Cauliflower
Servings: makes 4-6 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Total Time: 20 minutes
Ingredients
- 1 medium head cauliflower, cut into florets
- 2 cloves garlic, peeled
- 1 tablespoon butter
- 2 tablespoons sour cream or Greek yogurt
- 1 tablespoon white miso (optional)
- milk to taste
- salt and pepper to taste
Directions
- Place the cauliflower and garlic in a steamer over boiling water and steam until fork tender, about 10-15 minutes.
- Mash the cauliflower and garlic with a masher or puree them in a food processor.
- Mix in the butter, sour cream, miso and enough milk to bring the mashed cauliflower to the desired consistency and season with salt and pepper to taste.
I added chopped chives from our garden. Its not potatoes but it is tolerable and tastes just fine. I give it a three and a half star rating. If you are totes sick of steamed veggies and side salads give this a go.
Hello mein freund, it has been a while
I know I have been avoiding you like the plague.
My health has been shit. I work out one week. I eat like crap the next. I don't work out one week and eat fine. Still feel like shit. My room is a mess. My job life is no bueno as I am just reminded of how much I want to leave Tacoma and how unfulfilling my daily tasks are. I love the people I work with and would love to continue working with them. But this is not a long term position and I get every single day just how disposable I am to upper management. I have applied to four places as of recently. Jobs that I did really want, one that I wouldn't have mind having and felt I was practically a shoe in for the position. Turned down by all. So you can guess my mood has not been the most pleasant as of lately.
And then this happened. http://vitoriasbookandfilm.blogspot.com/2013/05/a-debut.html
Safe to say I was crushed, betrayed, angry, annoyed and just down right ready to kill something. I didn't eat much for a couple of days and I hated myself. I didn't understand why someone who claimed to have loved me so much and was so fearful of never finding anyone else like me found someone within 3 to 4 months? Well... I can assure you from what I have seen of her and read she is NOTHING like me. I may not be the most beautiful or educated woman but I look like a woman.
Any way that has been hard to reel myself back from. I am glad my dear friend had told me because I think I needed to know but it was still hard to hear. According to another friend him and his new gf look like people who live under the stairs....for all you born after 1992...
I still can not get the distaste for them out of my thoughts. I don't want what they have. I hadn't wanted J or the life he lived for a long while. But I never wanted to hurt him. A friends cousin said on her facebook the quickest way to get over a woman is to get under a new one. I find this to be pathetic but true for so many men. I've sold almost every piece of jewelry he gave me. I didn't want to at first but after I found out I just couldn't look at them any more without wanting to punch a wall. They were never really my taste. I have much better taste than he ever had. The only things I am keeping are a vegan coat from modcloth and a pair of earrings from etsy. Its been difficult saying goodbye to those pieces but when they were bought it was a much happier time for both of us.
As the days get warmer, longer and prettier I do have a longing for that newness of a summer romance. Him and I had not had that since who knows. We met in the summer and it was not instant magic but it was fun. I mentioned my fondness in my summer of love 2008 post... http://vitoriasbookandfilm.blogspot.com/2013/06/mistake.html.. oh also I mention our beloved rescue pug Kobe Beef passed away in that. ....yeah it is safe to say it has been a pretty shit year so far.
So I lack the motivation to confess my dull sins to you because well they are dull.
I enjoyed my leisure. I don't necessarily regret not jumping on the train to low carbville right after my break up. Fuck yeah I loved sleeping alone (not sarcasm at all .J stole all the blankets.) Fuck yeah I loved eating dairy and not worrying about farting on my lover. Fuck yeah I love living by my schedule and fuck yeah for total independence from a lackluster relationship.
This year is not over yet. I resend my decision to date come August 1st though. I said that in a state of confused and blind desire. http://vitoriasbookandfilm.blogspot.com/2013/05/an-epiphany.html
I commend myself for handling my celibacy better than I had in the past. I think once becoming sexually active the longest I had been without sex was 7 months. I was ready to mount something. The desire is still there of course. In fact I think my strongest desires are sex and food, a dangerous combo. Especially the fact that I want to lose weight before I date or have sex again and my booming nearly 30 libido is like.....puh-lease~~!!!!!!
However due to the fact that I need to shape up a bit more I am resending that deadline. Sure if I happen to meet someone completely awesome I would be willing to date but no match.com membership for me yet.
I completely envy people that can just lose weight. That stick to one solid plan and see it all the way through. I admire, hate, loathe and dig these people completely. But what works for some (despite what a x has said) does not always work for others. I can't keep throwing in the towel. I have to look at the big picture. I want so badly to be healthier. I want so badly to have a job that I love (or hell even like) where I have stability. I want so badly to see the world, to pay off my debt and to start living a more adult life. I also want to have love in my life. This is why it was so important for me to take this year. If I had been my goal weight when J and I had broken up...who knows how I would have coped with the failing effects of that break up. I am no slut, but I may have made a few mistakes in that new found freedom. Everything happens for a reason. This I believe absolutely. Maybe I was meant to fall, over and over, maybe I was meant to be turned down by those other jobs because... I don't know yet why. It may take time but I will get there.
I have to remind myself of this.
My health has been shit. I work out one week. I eat like crap the next. I don't work out one week and eat fine. Still feel like shit. My room is a mess. My job life is no bueno as I am just reminded of how much I want to leave Tacoma and how unfulfilling my daily tasks are. I love the people I work with and would love to continue working with them. But this is not a long term position and I get every single day just how disposable I am to upper management. I have applied to four places as of recently. Jobs that I did really want, one that I wouldn't have mind having and felt I was practically a shoe in for the position. Turned down by all. So you can guess my mood has not been the most pleasant as of lately.
And then this happened. http://vitoriasbookandfilm.blogspot.com/2013/05/a-debut.html
Safe to say I was crushed, betrayed, angry, annoyed and just down right ready to kill something. I didn't eat much for a couple of days and I hated myself. I didn't understand why someone who claimed to have loved me so much and was so fearful of never finding anyone else like me found someone within 3 to 4 months? Well... I can assure you from what I have seen of her and read she is NOTHING like me. I may not be the most beautiful or educated woman but I look like a woman.
Any way that has been hard to reel myself back from. I am glad my dear friend had told me because I think I needed to know but it was still hard to hear. According to another friend him and his new gf look like people who live under the stairs....for all you born after 1992...
As the days get warmer, longer and prettier I do have a longing for that newness of a summer romance. Him and I had not had that since who knows. We met in the summer and it was not instant magic but it was fun. I mentioned my fondness in my summer of love 2008 post... http://vitoriasbookandfilm.blogspot.com/2013/06/mistake.html.. oh also I mention our beloved rescue pug Kobe Beef passed away in that. ....yeah it is safe to say it has been a pretty shit year so far.
So I lack the motivation to confess my dull sins to you because well they are dull.
I enjoyed my leisure. I don't necessarily regret not jumping on the train to low carbville right after my break up. Fuck yeah I loved sleeping alone (not sarcasm at all .J stole all the blankets.) Fuck yeah I loved eating dairy and not worrying about farting on my lover. Fuck yeah I love living by my schedule and fuck yeah for total independence from a lackluster relationship.
This year is not over yet. I resend my decision to date come August 1st though. I said that in a state of confused and blind desire. http://vitoriasbookandfilm.blogspot.com/2013/05/an-epiphany.html
I commend myself for handling my celibacy better than I had in the past. I think once becoming sexually active the longest I had been without sex was 7 months. I was ready to mount something. The desire is still there of course. In fact I think my strongest desires are sex and food, a dangerous combo. Especially the fact that I want to lose weight before I date or have sex again and my booming nearly 30 libido is like.....puh-lease~~!!!!!!
However due to the fact that I need to shape up a bit more I am resending that deadline. Sure if I happen to meet someone completely awesome I would be willing to date but no match.com membership for me yet.
I completely envy people that can just lose weight. That stick to one solid plan and see it all the way through. I admire, hate, loathe and dig these people completely. But what works for some (despite what a x has said) does not always work for others. I can't keep throwing in the towel. I have to look at the big picture. I want so badly to be healthier. I want so badly to have a job that I love (or hell even like) where I have stability. I want so badly to see the world, to pay off my debt and to start living a more adult life. I also want to have love in my life. This is why it was so important for me to take this year. If I had been my goal weight when J and I had broken up...who knows how I would have coped with the failing effects of that break up. I am no slut, but I may have made a few mistakes in that new found freedom. Everything happens for a reason. This I believe absolutely. Maybe I was meant to fall, over and over, maybe I was meant to be turned down by those other jobs because... I don't know yet why. It may take time but I will get there.
I have to remind myself of this.
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