It seems like only yesterday we were bringing in the new year. Doesnt it? Perhaps that is just me? I think time goes by faster as you age. Personally. Balls.
You know..,.I had big hopes for myself after leaving my relationship (yes I am still talking about it, it was four years of my life.) I wanted to start living life for myself, find out who i was bla bla. Well...I sorta have. I don't feel remorse for the relationship. I still feel sorrow for how it ended but I am glad it is over. I never understood people who were serial monogamists. Really? Why leave one relationship for another? I was someones girlfriend for a long time and I am not eager to regain that title. However, I do feel that I have wasted some time. I met my ex at 23 and broke up at 27. That may not be a long gap to some, but those are some crucial years that I could have spent doing whatever I damn well please.
I don't regret the whole time spent. The first two years were great. The third...was okay. But auf wiedersehn, ja?
I wanted to be miles ahead of where I am now. I have not receeded, I certainly don't feel like a huge failure loser. I'm just not where I want to be and that is something I am having difficulties understanding why?
Some health figures say, people fear losing weight because they fear success? I don't know if this applies to me. I do want success and I do want people to tell me how fabulous I look. I do want to know that if a guy isnt into me it isnt because of my weight (he is just a bitch for not liking me) I know it sounds shallow but my weight has ALWAYS been a factor in relationships. I've had partners use it against me in many fights, yes...this includes my last ex.
Maybe I am lazy..? A little admittedly. But i don't consider spending half or more of a pay check on food that is suppose to make me feel fantastic and I don't. Whenever I've tried to abide by the rules of health gurus I just end up broke and starving. I've tried paleo I don't know how many times. The amount of meat you have to buy is disgusting to me. Also, I was starving each and every time. It wasn't even about the sugar. It was about how I felt light headed after finishing off a steak and salad. And the pesky voice in the back of my mind from other gurus (if you're hungry your metabolism will shut down and you'll get fat) And what happens....
Don't tell me living a purely organic grass fed, sunshine soaking, meadow grazing meat isn't going to be costly. If I was money bags, this wouldn't concern me. I don't think eating a sick animal is going to make you healthy (I'm talking to you America). So now we have carbs. Well...now everyone is saying they make you fat. I am living proof that this is a fact. But if I can't afford the precious healthy meat and I can't eat the carbs what option does that leave me with? Not trying....forced slothic living.
I do want to be healthy and fit, more than anyone can know. But I don't understand how something so easy and simple to some can be so difficult for me. Maybe I need a shrink? Oh wait...can't afford that either.
I know I complain a lot. I believe that I can not break out of my comfort zone and I have the image in my mind from Girls. Maybe this is what I have to picture every time I chose a bagel over a cobb salad. What I need to picture when I just say I am doing a 30 minute elliptical run when I know damn well I have time enough to do 45.I must say this is probably a big issue with me is getting uncomfortable. I hate being put on the spot, I kind of freak even when I'm getting a hair cut. I don't like not knowing the outcome of something. You'd think this would make me pretty OCD and messed up. I don't deny I have my own issues( thats why I got a blog!) but things could be worse. Maybe things have to get worse for a while at least before they get better? God why can't I just be one of those 3 hour a gym day freaks who orgasms over chicken salads and insults people who eat pizza. Those people suck, I don't want to be that. But I admire their devotion.
I just want to be small and healthy. I need to set goals. I need to think of the big picture. Breaking up was the best thing I could have done. Even if said ex apologized for everything and named a galaxy after me (girl can dream) I would not go back. And that is because it wasn't just the relationship that suddenly felt wrong but it was me. You can not expect others to give to you what you should be giving to yourself.
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