Wowza- not my recipe but I have to make!

Ingredients: 

1.5 cups raw walnuts, divided

1.5 cups unsalted almonds, divided

2 cups Medjool dates, pitted and roughly chopped

3/4 cup cocoa powder or raw cacao powder

1/4 cup coconut shavings 

1/4 cup coconut oil

1 teaspoon vanilla 

pinch of sea salt

1/2 cup vegan chocolate chips

Directions: 

Place 1 cup walnuts and 1 cup almonds in food process and ground until they are a fine consistency. Add cocoa powder, coconut shavings, coconut oil, vanilla, and sea salt. Pulse to combine and then transfer to bowl and set aside. Add chop dates into food processor and process until small bits remain. Transfer to a bowl and set aside. Add cocoa mixture back into food processor and while processing add date pieces into mixture. Process until a doughy, sticky consistency is achieved. It may look like cake crumbs, but it should hold together when pressed. Place brownie mixture in a parchment lined cake pan and add remaining 1/2 cup roughly chopped almonds. Mix with hands until well-combined, then press dough until it is flat and firm. Garnish with remaining 1/2 cup walnuts. Melt vegan chocolate chips in the microwave for 4 minutes, making sure to stir with a wooden spoon every 20 seconds (add a few drops of coconut oil if melted chocolate is too thick). Drizzle melted chocolate over walnuts and brownies. Refrigerate or freeze for at least an hour before cutting. 

granola from a skinny girl

Ingredients:

3 cups gluten-free rolled oats

1 cup raw pumpkin seeds

1 cup raw sunflower seeds

1 cup coconut shavings

1 1/4 cup raw almonds

1/4 dried cranberries (or other dried fruit)

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 tablespoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

1/4 cup coconut oil

1/2 cup raw honey

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Directions:

Preheat oven to 340 degrees. Place oats, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, coconut, almonds, salt, cinnamon, and nutmeg in a large bowl. In a saucepan over medium low heat, warm coconut oil, honey and vanilla and pour over dry ingredients. Mix until well combined. Spread granola mixture evenly on a baking sheet. Transfer to oven and bake, tossing every 10 minutes, until granola is deep golden brown. Bake for about 25 minutes. Add dried fruit around the last 5 minutes of baking time. Allow granola to cool for at least one hour before eating. Store in an airtight container and enjoy with some almond milk or greek yogurt.

Also, I know you guys having been asking for a fitness post and I pinky promise I'm working on it!

 

Karlas closet.com 

I just gotta say

I had to unfollow a lot of paleo pinners on pinterest. Why you ask?

Because they are more annoying than vegans.

Bacon is NOT orgasmic. I love pigs and try to stay as far away from pork as I can but my weakness is sausage. I don't buy sausage though because of my love of pigs and if I do I try applegate chicken sausage or will make a quest to Whole Foods. But every idiotic paleo post or anti vegan post is like OMG BACON FUCK ME BACON. CALM DOWN! Bacon ain't gonna fuck you so relax! Its not that good.

And they post stupid shit like;

"Bread is not real food, When you eat bread Ryan Gosling cries or Health food tastes better than junk food."

In general I do agree with the last statement. Nectarines and fresh produce tastes better than oh I don't know... BACON! But when paleo people say this they mean all starch. This is not true. Spaghetti and bread and parmesan cheese tastes better than zuchinni noodles pretending to be spaghetti like some imposter of joy. I love you zucchini but you are no spaghetti. I am probably very gluten intolerant but I'll be the first to say the ONLY substitute that comes close to being as good as spaghetti is brown rice spaghetti. A STARCH!

There I know I said I was temporarily breaking up with you blog but I just had to vent.

Paleo enthusiasts are worse than vegans. At least I get the vegan movement. I don't believe the world should follow a vegan diet based on certain peoples medical allowance's ( gluten and dairy are probably poison to me so I need some meat in my diet always) but the world should rid itself of factory farms entirely and go back to a much different method of slaughter. Perhaps our economy would really suffer from this but our health as a nation is already suffering due to the high convenience of fast food.

So in conclusion no more following paleo blogs. I believe in their mission of clean eating but I don't agree with their way being the only way. When I follow a paleo plan my grocery bill sky rockets and I am left with an acidic stomach due to high meat consumption, high fiber in produce and no starch to soak the acidity.  And vegans... I respect vegans a lot but PETA can suck an egg.

Dear blog

I may be taking a bit of a sabbatical from you. Its not you, its me.

I can't really explain but I promise I will return again soon.

I've just been feeling guilty, hungry, disappointed, poor, insanely sexually frustrated and upset in life.

If there are asexual pills out there please send them my way. I can't sign up for another dating site and then delete that profile the next day because I am 1, too fat to date and 2, not willing to date any loser who fancies me and that's all I seem to be attracting. I don't want to deny myself dating again because in other aspects of my self I feel I am ready but I am just so damned insecure. Thus this continues the, guilty, hungry, disappointed, dieting cycle that's been this past year.

If I had asexual pills then maybe I could accomplish tasks in life, like getting in shape, finding a better job and moving out of my parents home......oh and paying off my student debt.

I will be back blog. Maybe tomorrow, maybe two tomorrows from now, a week or two. I will be back and  in my absence I will fill you with all the woes, misadventures and adventures of my life.

Maybe when I return I will be 20lbs lighter, with a cool boyfriend and with a cooler job.

Maybe not.

Maybe you'll just have me.

Tori.

Update

Good morning (afternoon) world!

Here is another update on my cleanse adventure.

Day 1: I woke up craving donuts. Yeah. And then i realized today was detox day 1.

On liver cleanse you are suppose to start each morning drinking a ton of water followed by an 8oz  vegetable juice. I am not blessed with a fabulous juicer so I bought a juice from the health food store. It looks like what comes out of a vegan after a colonic. I was repulsed by its murky muddy green appearance. Surprise though it tastes better than it looks. Thanks to the mango and apple in it!

Breakfast was gluten free steel cut oats with strawberries and a little bit of agave and crushed pecans. Delicious but I needed a bit more with it as I was still pretty hungry.









I can't remember what I had for lunch...oh yeah I made a pot of kale and lentil soup. My sister likes this soup I don't know if I love lentils as much as a vegetarian or vegan should. I added Siracha to the soup and the spice made it tolerable. I paired it with a butternut squash salad. Sorry I don't have a photo for either as i was hungry and devoured it all before I could take one.

Is anyone else as sexy as me when they work out and sweat beneath their boobs. FTW!

Dinner was good. Quinoa with steamed asparagus (a little too steamed) and salmon patties brushed with pesto. I devoured it all instantly and ate two patties because extra protein is better than extra carbs. I did manage to take a picture for you all.

You can purchase salmon patties at costco or I suppose anywhere really. These came from costco. Will probably make this meal tonight when I get home.

Something that I HAVE to remember if I want to be successful is to eat enough calories. I ate a sweet potato day 2 because I had a ravenous salt craving. So i sprinkled a little bit of salt and added vegan butter. It was good but sweet potatoes are tricky to microwave but thanks to pinterest I found a recipe to crock pot them so I can now cook a bunch and grab to go. And yesterday I was so hungry my parents left a costco rotisserie chicken out and I ate half of the breast. This isn't awful of me. Chicken is a meat I can eat (probably not costco but whatevs) and sweet potatoes are allowed on both liver cleanse, paleo and ask any womens health magazine. However had those foods not been around I could have been in a heap of trouble as my home is usually stocked with french bread loafs and enriched grain pasta.

 Reducing your calories will allow anyone to lose weight however you need to eat an adequate amount so your blood sugar doesn't go out of control. And no one wants to be around you when you are hangry as I kind of have been. This will probably be the #1 challenge during this period.

Gluten Free & Dairy Free pizza

Hello everyone in the blogger world. Today is day 4 of the gluten and dairy cleanse also known as modified Liver Cleanse. Again I say modified because on Liver Cleanse you can eat grains but because I am undoubtedly intolerant I have to cut them out. I'm doing this for you liver so you better like it.

So far so...so-so. The problem I face and I know others face as well is when you cut out food groups from your diet you are kind of at a standstill. Your body wants to eat a yummy pasta dish for lunch but has to eat a salad. Your body also wants to grab some cheese or grab a burrito... but you can't have grains or cheese so....whats a girl to eat? I made the mistake of not bringing food to work on day 2. We have a hipster cafe down the street that does gluten free and has some vegan sandwiches so I figured I'd be fine. NOPE! I walked down pacific avenue taunted by the aroma of both the new frozen yogurt shop and the hot dog vender. I don't care if it is December the 1st and snowing...I'll eat fro yo again!

I settled on sushi across the street. i know I shouldn't be dining out but its a legit sushi joint. I won't down myself for that. My meal included fish, avocado, cucumber and nori sans wheat induced soy sauce. ALL good things for your body, good fat and good veggies.

Last night I really wanted pizza but I needed to abide by the liver cleanse rules of no dairy of course. I purchased Daiya cheese from Marlenes (the intolerant hippie grocery store) and made the crust from the book Primal Cravings- a primal cookbook.

 My dairy free horde from Marlenes. That Almond Dream yogurt... I blogged about it before...it is fantastic. Coconut is always sold out but was there yesterday. I bought the last two. And I know soy haters...bla bla bla. Well.. liver cleanse says it is okay and to me it is most similar in texture to milk and has less sugars than sweetened almond milk.

My gluten and dairy free creation! I would have added veggies but I chopped them up and made a salad instead. Will be more creative with toppings in the future. I would have added pepperoni but alas, this diet prohibits pepperoni and all red meat. I can have chicken and fish and what kind of sick bastard likes anchovies on their pizza?






Pizza Crust

1 cup of tapioca flour
1/4 cup of potato flour
1/3 cup of water
1 teaspoon of powdered gelatin (this can be tricky to find but try the bulk food section or baking aisle.)
 1 egg
1/4 cup of sunflower oil or olive oil (I used olive)

salt to taste, but i skipped that.

1. preheat oven to 400 F. Grease baking sheet with oil of choice ( I dabbed a napkin with olive oil.)
2.) In a large bowl, whisk together tapioca and potato flour.
3.) In another bowl, sprinkle gelatin over 1/3 cup of water. Add egg and oil and whisk to combine.
4.) Whisk the wet ingredients with dry and knead until combined.
5.) Use your hands to press the dough out onto baking sheet.
6.) Prebake the dough until it is crispy and golden brown. About 16 to 20 minutes. Remove from the oven and loosen crust from the pan with spatula.

It does not add this in the directions but I removed my crust at about 16 minutes to add the Daiya cheese and sauce. After you add the toppings it only needs a few minutes to bake so long as your toppings are precooked if you desire adding meat. I also sprinkled a little bit of oregano and basil on top of the Daiya prior to cooking.

I preferred this crust over the crust I made from wheat belly. Wheat Belly was good but did not have the pizza taste or feel. I kid you not when I say it tasted like a pizza nut loaf that some intolerant hippie concocted. As for the Daiya cheese....omg so good. Gooey and hearty like cheese is suppose to taste like. Good texture and taste as well. Even my mother who love cheese and all things dairy (ice cream is lord) thought it was good.

 http://foodwoesandhoes.blogspot.com/2013/08/gluten-free-pizza-crust.html

Unlike the nut loaf this crust stayed together. The end of the crust was nice and crispy similar to a thin crust pizza. This will probably be my go to pizza. If you want a more textured crust and can afford the elitist almond flour and just want a more paleo crust then go with the nut pizza crust. Its different but it is good. 

Once more with feeling

Oh my glob. I have been eating like a monster the past couple of days. Pre- cleanse I was like fries, yes! Spaghetti with lots of parmesan yes! Monster burger, yes! Starbucks dairy crack drink YES!

I have to keep telling myself that when I am missing these foods that I am switching something good for something better. That something better being a better body, better mood, better internal organs and over all better me.

Liver Cleanse is actually a lot more easy going than say paleo or even low glycemic index. I will try to abide by the rules of said low glycemic and maybe a teeny bit of paleo. Only in the sense that though Liver Cleanse allows gluten that I will not be partaking in any. The author stated, "if you think you might be allergic try cutting it out." And the 8 weeks will really judge how my body functions without it. I already know after my two weeks sans it that it probably does not like it.

Wish me luck. No Dairy, No Gluten, mostly organic (what I can afford!) and most importantly no processed foods and no soda. And week 3,4,5,6 are going to be mostly vegan. egg whites and fish okay but fish is expensive especially wild caught so I will probably mostly be vegan. Vegan and gluten free is going to be TOUGH. The only gluten free vegan I know is a bitch. I may not have friends after this.

With the whole Barilla creator claiming he hates the gays and that a woman's place is in the kitchen... this should keep me away from the pasta aisle. I did buy some brown rice pasta though for those days where I am seriously missing Italian food so much that I am about to throw out a message in a bottle into a stormy sea.

I told my sister soda will actually be harder to give up than dairy or gluten and she said, "because soda is designed to keep you hooked." YUP just imagine some dick chemist in a lab creating soda to chastise you and keep you addicted! Perrier Pink Grapefruit is actually a good sub for soda when you just cant beat the craving. Its fizzy, good and hydrating. Zero calories, zero aspartame, just water with a little flavor. :)

My few random readers I will keep you up to date. I'll write an entry tomorrow or Wednesday discussing my first day.

Tomorrows meals include, veggie juice, gluten free steel cut oats with berries and butternut squash salad with lentil soup.

  

 Sir Winston REALLY wanted my last frappuchino

 This fucker. Vanilla Bean Frappe. I haven't had one of these since high school. I loved them. Lord knows how much sugar is in this. I had my first sip as my sayanora to dairy. OMG pure vanilla. Delicious. I'll miss thee and I promise I will not order 9 after the cleanse.

 

The above photos are from my time in Leavenworth. I would have taken a more attractive photo of my last burger but I was extremely hungry and tired when I ate it. I can assure you it was good. As was the pretzel.

 

The town was so precious. I need to visit Bavaria.