This article made me feel immensely better about my choice in not dating for the past year. When I left my four year relationship...one year ago Monday it was not my intention to date immediately. I had committed to one person, grew with that person, loved that person, provided for this person and supported them emotionally as much as a lover could. I was SPENT. At the time I couldn't imagine starting all over again with someone new so quickly. I needed to be by myself. More importantly I wanted to be by myself again. As angry as I was at how it ended I was ultimately relieved when it had.
Months passed and many things that were outside of my control prevented me from completely moving forward. The reality of my dwindling bank account and student loans zapped me back from my spontaneity. Sad, but I was able to accomplish some tasks I set out for myself. I still have found that I have had growth.
I do want a relationship again. I do miss intimacy. I am a human being, we all crave that desire to connect. But I still do not know if I desire a boyfriend or if I am just bored with my life. Probably the later. With that being said I am not opposed to dating. I've said before and I'll say again I am not looking but if I just happened to meet someone I connect with then fantastic. Mads Mikkleson leave your gorgeous wife and be my future boyfriend lol.
My bff is a gorgeous, fun, outgoing and driven person. She also had a wild couple of summers in her early 20s. ( My early 20s were kind of a wild time!) Recently she was celibate for quite a long while. We are both still relatively young and I did not want her to deny relationships. She is smart so I knew she would be safe but I thought she might purposefully be avoiding men all together. So I convened as any good friend would do. She met someone and it is still a little in limbo. He isn't her split apart but he is someone of interest. I'm glad she had the courage to put herself out there again. Dating can be a scary thing. And giving yourself to someone, bodily...is a big move.
I didn't have sex at a very young age. But I experimented. When I was 15 I almost lost my virginity to someone completely undeserving. Thank god I had the good sense to say no and that he was at least decent enough to listen. I didn't find myself in a near sexual situation till I was 18 and had graduated high school. The guy I know now was undeserving but at the time I did not regret it. I had been a virgin for a while and just wanted it over with. With that said do I regret it? A little but mostly no. If I had waited I wouldn't have dated the next two people I did and that would have drastically changed my future self. For the better or worse? I'll never know but I can't change it and I accept that. I am proud that I waited and didn't lose it when I was 15 as I know so many girls did...and younger.
With that being said....ten years later after losing my virginity...one year later after making the decision to leave a four year relationship... that I do not regret most of my sexual history. We all have regrets, I am not indifferent. But I accept them all as life lessons. I do want that part of my life back but I know that sex is a very important decision. I will not patrol the bars and go home with anyone that will have me just for the sake of feeling the intimacy of another person. I will not as my best friend put it about my ex , " uh dude...he hasn't moved on. He downgraded and started walking on a lower road just to keep moving. He is slumming it." No downgrading for me. I don't think I have it in me to wait for "mr. right" either. Unless Mads leaves his wife that will not happen. But the next ten years of my sex life will hopefully be filled with worthy people and that time will come when I want it to come.
Wise words from a woman who went 12 years sans sex and kind of took the words right out of my mouth one year ago:"Throughout my sexual life, I have had periods with lapses in sexual activity and long periods with nothing. For me, it’s absolutely not a problem. And believe me, I’m not a prude — I’m not a prude at all. I began my sexual life very early. I had some boyfriends, but a lot of the time I was in bed, I was not present. I know a lot of girls like me — I was doing the things because everyone else was. And when I was 27, I had a boyfriend of five years, and he thought that we were very happy. But I was not so happy. I realized that I was happier alone than when I was with my boyfriend.
I wanted to recover my body. My real desire was to re-want having sex. When I stopped, I was so excited to be alone in my bed. I immediately bought a bigger bed, and for me, it was freedom."
Novelist and editor Sophie Fontanel
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