"Unbowed, unbent, unbroken'

I am feeling Game of Thrones hard this season. Its all about high Romance and rebirth. I can respect that and aspire to it. I won't reveal spoilers but if you haven't caught up on this season please do so now. 

Funny thing, the night of the Game of Thrones premier a former flame messaged me after months without a word. I was especially stunned after seeing this. I had just finished Beyonce's Lemonade and.....if you have seen it you'll understand why seeing my ex boyfriends name on my phone immediately after watching was a huge deal. If you didn't catch it, here is a brief excerpt from it which fits into the whole theme of the video. 

I didn't know what to do. I looked at it again, read the message half a dozen times in seconds. My heart raced and my stomach felt sick. My eyes filled at the base with a canoe of tears I did the only thing that I could. I walked out of my home. Down the street and into the night. I breathed and huffed down dimly lit homes. I prayed no one would see me, walking like a mad woman unable to breath, scream or cry. I had a panic attack at the mere sight of his name. 

We need to as a culture stop romanticizing when an ex comes back into your life. I find the reasons for them doing so are hardly romantic. Its unexpected and sort of feels like this...

I'll be brief. The story is long and I am tired of telling it. We talked for a while. Almost a month. He wanted to know how I was doing. Told me he wasn't sure if leaving was the right thing to do as his life wasn't easy. I screamed and called him terrible true things. He apologized profusely. He told me he should have told me he loved me before he left. Made me confess that I had loved him. I wanted to believe he was penitent and reformed in a way. That time away made him stronger and reflect. I wanted to push him away. I couldn't let him hurt me again but talking with him...felt like no time had passed. We were not together though he told me he knew how he felt and couldn't help exploring that. What that means.. it makes no difference now. I soon found out after he told me he had no intentions of seeing anyone that he was in fact with someone else. When I confronted him he had said he'd done nothing wrong and wasn't hiding anything. That I was the one who claimed we could be friends "if I could even handle that." I told him in so few words that I never asked him to come back into my life again. That he came for selfish reasons and to stay away. 

I didn't expect to hear from him. I didn't want to hear from him. There was nothing left to say. He talked to me almost every day and then he was with someone else. And in that time he was affectionate, seemingly supportive and heard the distress in my voice after a certain phone call. Yet still he lied. When he left the first time he was gone for a couple of months. Then emailed asking why certain people dropped him from his life. Accused me of being the reason why they unfriended him (seriously). I told him I wasn't. He apologized and then I didn't hear from him again. When we were together I made many excuses for him. I defended him from others when they said he wasn't good. I lied to myself. I spoke softly and put his needs before my own. The whole time I convinced myself that nothing I did was good enough. That my love wasn't good enough. I was so full of shit. He sought me out for validation. Wanted me to confess that I had loved him once and then he went away. And I lost any hope I had of him being a good person all over again. 

So why do I write this? Why do I give this any more thought and time than necessary? Because I doubted myself and I ignored myself again. Even when I saw him with the new girl (she's a girl not a woman) I still thought....maybe I read into all the things he said wrong. Maybe...just maybe it was

I who misunderstood it all. But then I thought of all the times he wasn't there. Of the nights I spent alone. Of the texts or emails he wouldn't return. Of what happened to me when he left and what he did. Oh all the times he wasn't present. And I looked at some of the texts. I don't think I was wrong.  There were even doubts that this new girl was even better than me. I know that she couldn't possibly. And seriously I know this is slightly juvenile of me but his new girl..... not attractive in the least. The most basic form of basic and homely there is. How lonely he must be. And I scrape that doubt off like shit on my shoe. I did nothing wrong. Everything I am and love he wanted to devour because he was empty. And in spite of myself and how strong I tried to be he hurt me all over again. I stayed away. I didn't want to see or know his life, but he forced me to know it all. And worst of all I found out about it on the anniversary of the death of Anne Boleyn. Cast aside for basic ass Jane Seymour.

 When an ex comes back it is equivalent to picking a wound and watching it bleed again. I believe love is selfless. I don't believe that all great love stories end with the lovers together. If you know you're wrong for someone but you love them, then love is letting go. Its putting someone else's needs before your own. Men like my ex never let go. They drain and drain and only give so little expecting everything in return. They devour you and leave you dismantled. I never forgave him for leaving the way he did or the dozen other times he failed me. But I never thought....he'd be so cruel. I didn't want to see his world. I didn't want to know his life. He took my eyes and pried them open and made me know. He stirred the pot and made me feel this hurt again...he's just a monster. Everyone say's he will be back. Men like him always come back and I need to be ready for when he does.

A part of me didn't want to write him back. I was going to ignore it. I didn't want him back in my life and was angry he'd try to get in again. I guess apart of why I did and still continued is because I had this idea of myself. That I could be the kind of woman who could casually talk to an ex without commitment. That I'd be too cool, or too intelligent to fall for his tricks again. Fully aware that I would be the best thing in his life and that he could no longer hurt me. But.... there was that elephant in the room. No matter how good I felt about myself, no matter what I had in my own life... I'd still never be able to look at him the same. He hurt me once, devastated me. Denied me love. A truly unforgivable act that he brought upon himself. 

I never want to speak of him again. This is my vow. To my friends who are reading this, know this. All conversations about this person will cease to exist. I don't want to know what hes doing or who he is with. He no longer means anything to me. He wasn't a mistake but a lesson. To never doubt myself and to never settle for less than I deserve. 

I'll do better. I am better. One day he will just be a distant memory and no more than a name. But for now I need to stay away. I need to listen to myself and follow my own dreams. I vow to let go of any toxicity in my own life. I will become the woman that I told myself I would never be and I'll one day if I am lucky enough find someone worthy enough of that woman. I invite you all on my journey of becoming who I am meant to be. The stepping stones to the ultimate glow up.