I know what some of you might be thinking. Why did I after a year vacation from writing in my health blog, decide to open a brand new entry with a photo of Mcdonalds? Take it in babes. The toxicity of trans fats in the air, the stained grease wrapper of the cheeseburger and the unquenchable thirst from the pound of salt they put on the fries. Are you in a Pavlov state right now? Are you trying to remember if you still have ketchup in your fridge? You're welcome.
It has been an interesting and unpredictable year. I gained a title and willingly lost the title. I didn't lose weight but I didn't gain. I found someone and then I lost them forever, but I'm starting to realize maybe I never had them. In an attempt to move forward and change my life, I feel like I have just lost everything. I was stoned for a good month and I never touched a vegetable. I had all the time in the world and I was losing my mind. I'd look in the mirror and nothing felt like me. My skin got worse, my hair was unkempt and never washed and I rarely changed. I never cried so much in my life, but I was never in love. But if this was not love, then why did I hurt so much?
I think we get wrapped up in the idea of someone. How a person presents themselves and who they truly are are two different things. The things he would say. The promises he would make me. I wanted to live inside the world of those promises. But I don't want promises, I want actions. I became enamored with the mask they wore but when the mask was removed I didn't know who they were anymore. Coming to terms with that has been a battle. I wanted so badly to date again and move forward that in my unwillingness of living in the real world I forgot how cruel it could be.
Over the past few weeks I have realized that I am my own worst enemy. People say that shit all the time but in my case its very true. I've always wanted a life unexpected. Full of adventure, passion and creativity. But in wanting that I never moved forward because I didn't know where to go to get it. I was somewhere that promised I'd move forward and I did but only with a couple of title changes a wage not high enough to sustain me. I was with someone who I thought wanted that as well but would always keep me in their shadow. I don't want to be in anyone's shadow. I realize if I want that life, that beautiful life I need to make it for myself. I'd have to be my own hero.
I have had a few people question my Slytherin status ( #nerdalert) But what is a Slytherin if not determined and ambitious? Perhaps they are always classified as evil because their passions for something greater than themselves consumes them. With life there are risks and sometimes you fail. Over and over. The boy was not everything I hoped him to be and was always a risk. But perhaps I'd be willing to risk everything for what I want.
I'm not here to make promises. I've been promised many things in my life and I don't want promises. I don't need them. I want action and change. I am not here to tell kale tastes better than buttery carbs. Nor will I say how waking up at the crack of dawn when I'd rather be dreaming of Mads Mikkleson makes me feel alive. But I am going to be honest on this journey. I will share milestones and recipes and what it means to be starting over yet again.
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