Desert Paradise

                         
Last month for memorial weekend, I was fortunate enough to venture out of town to my close friends parents summer home in Crescent Bar. Its about two hours east of Seattle, passed Ellensburg. I was stoked to be invited. I had realized that I had not left town since my 30th birthday nearly two years ago (old as tits). I wondered why I had denied myself travel for so long. But then I realized I was with someone who never wanted to travel anywhere with me. Who's time was purely invested in himself. And then I was without a job and my savings depleted quicker than expected. I recognize the privilege behind my argument as not many people get to take a vacation ever. But I am a single woman who would consider it a bigger tragedy if I never saw Europe over never having children. The fact that I denied myself any traveling near or far upsets me.

We arrived in Crescent Bar in the late afternoon. We hung out with her family and later got stoned and went to the pool. The pool water was freezing but I was so high I was simply just fascinated being in water. Some young kids hopped the fence and made their way to the hot tub. When I say kids, I mean early 20's Central or WSU kids. They were the bro type, the kind that drank 40's, listened to angry white boy music and never had a girl at their side who didn't weigh more than a buck ten. One of the guys got in the pool with us, even after I insulted his stereo in front of his friends. He talked to my friend and I for a little bit. When him and his friends left he asked if we were going to a bar in town tomorrow, and complimented us both. I can't ever tell when someone is flirting with me. I'm 31 and completely clueless. When I was much younger, a child even men were very abrasive in their attempts at flattery. I always grew uncomfortable with it and ran. So for me its hard to gauge subtle hints of flirtation. But my friend was insistent he was flirting so with that said....at least this 31 year old can attract men ten years younger. This Modcloth suit makes me look like Mike Wizoski from Monster INC but still attracts the fellows.

The next day we went back to the pool in he AM. My friends mom made me a mimosa at 9 am. I'm not a big drinker but who am I to turn down a free drink? I drank and I'm sure my liver was screaming on the inside. I later went on a jetski for the first time that afternoon. I was nervous as fuck. My friends mom said, "let's go on the waverunner!" I didn't think to ask what it was but when I got down to the river I was like fuccckkkkk. I told myself, shut the hell up and get on it. It was a lot of fun. I felt like a non creepy disgusting Lewis and Clark as I sped down a foreign but familiar river. I had passed by this place unbeknownst to me for years. I went to school in Eastern Washington and never stopped to enjoy the Columbia River. All the neighboring towns were ghost towns or met my own big city qualifications of a ghost town. I admired the way the climate changed from woodsy terrain to desert in only a few short miles. It was a beauty I appreciated but understand more to it. It was like looking at someone's beauty but seeing a whole other side to it.

The weekend was great. I would love to visit again, though next time I plan on bringing cuter clothes. At this point in my life I am not against hooking up with a college student. Dating long term yes, but kissing the young lips of a babe....well okay. I have a terrible thing to admit. In spite of the great time I was having and how I craved more adventure I found myself thinking of my fuckboy. I know I vowed I'd never speak of him again or look at him again (another confession I looked at his minions page while stoned, fucckkk) and truthfully I don't like bringing him up. Which is why I became upset that in spite of my best efforts to have fun and put what happened aside I wondered what he'd think of me doing these things.  I wondered if he thought of me at all. I wondered about her and if she would do or say the things I've done. Comparisons get one no where. Her and I are like boxed wine to something you can only buy from a vineyard. As is my fuckboy. Someone who I thought had value but turned out to be worthless. Why do we measure our worth by those who fail us? That is a question I'm still trying to figure out myself. I will say I recognized when I did start to dwell on him and distracted myself with something else. Which is what I'll do now. 

The following weekend we went to float on the Snoqualmie River. I know myself too well to know I can't bring my phone near any body of water. So I apologize for the lack of photos. The day was hotter than Hades. It was zen as fuck on the river.  Later we went to Herfys for some much needed protein in the form of burgers and watched a lot of Hannibal.

More adventures to come. In the fall I plan to hit the Oregon Coast again and Crater Lake for the first time ever! I also am getting my passport very soon so I can really become what I always wanted. An international woman of mystery. The path way to glowing up is imminent. 

"Unbowed, unbent, unbroken'

I am feeling Game of Thrones hard this season. Its all about high Romance and rebirth. I can respect that and aspire to it. I won't reveal spoilers but if you haven't caught up on this season please do so now. 

Funny thing, the night of the Game of Thrones premier a former flame messaged me after months without a word. I was especially stunned after seeing this. I had just finished Beyonce's Lemonade and.....if you have seen it you'll understand why seeing my ex boyfriends name on my phone immediately after watching was a huge deal. If you didn't catch it, here is a brief excerpt from it which fits into the whole theme of the video. 

I didn't know what to do. I looked at it again, read the message half a dozen times in seconds. My heart raced and my stomach felt sick. My eyes filled at the base with a canoe of tears I did the only thing that I could. I walked out of my home. Down the street and into the night. I breathed and huffed down dimly lit homes. I prayed no one would see me, walking like a mad woman unable to breath, scream or cry. I had a panic attack at the mere sight of his name. 

We need to as a culture stop romanticizing when an ex comes back into your life. I find the reasons for them doing so are hardly romantic. Its unexpected and sort of feels like this...

I'll be brief. The story is long and I am tired of telling it. We talked for a while. Almost a month. He wanted to know how I was doing. Told me he wasn't sure if leaving was the right thing to do as his life wasn't easy. I screamed and called him terrible true things. He apologized profusely. He told me he should have told me he loved me before he left. Made me confess that I had loved him. I wanted to believe he was penitent and reformed in a way. That time away made him stronger and reflect. I wanted to push him away. I couldn't let him hurt me again but talking with him...felt like no time had passed. We were not together though he told me he knew how he felt and couldn't help exploring that. What that means.. it makes no difference now. I soon found out after he told me he had no intentions of seeing anyone that he was in fact with someone else. When I confronted him he had said he'd done nothing wrong and wasn't hiding anything. That I was the one who claimed we could be friends "if I could even handle that." I told him in so few words that I never asked him to come back into my life again. That he came for selfish reasons and to stay away. 

I didn't expect to hear from him. I didn't want to hear from him. There was nothing left to say. He talked to me almost every day and then he was with someone else. And in that time he was affectionate, seemingly supportive and heard the distress in my voice after a certain phone call. Yet still he lied. When he left the first time he was gone for a couple of months. Then emailed asking why certain people dropped him from his life. Accused me of being the reason why they unfriended him (seriously). I told him I wasn't. He apologized and then I didn't hear from him again. When we were together I made many excuses for him. I defended him from others when they said he wasn't good. I lied to myself. I spoke softly and put his needs before my own. The whole time I convinced myself that nothing I did was good enough. That my love wasn't good enough. I was so full of shit. He sought me out for validation. Wanted me to confess that I had loved him once and then he went away. And I lost any hope I had of him being a good person all over again. 

So why do I write this? Why do I give this any more thought and time than necessary? Because I doubted myself and I ignored myself again. Even when I saw him with the new girl (she's a girl not a woman) I still thought....maybe I read into all the things he said wrong. Maybe...just maybe it was

I who misunderstood it all. But then I thought of all the times he wasn't there. Of the nights I spent alone. Of the texts or emails he wouldn't return. Of what happened to me when he left and what he did. Oh all the times he wasn't present. And I looked at some of the texts. I don't think I was wrong.  There were even doubts that this new girl was even better than me. I know that she couldn't possibly. And seriously I know this is slightly juvenile of me but his new girl..... not attractive in the least. The most basic form of basic and homely there is. How lonely he must be. And I scrape that doubt off like shit on my shoe. I did nothing wrong. Everything I am and love he wanted to devour because he was empty. And in spite of myself and how strong I tried to be he hurt me all over again. I stayed away. I didn't want to see or know his life, but he forced me to know it all. And worst of all I found out about it on the anniversary of the death of Anne Boleyn. Cast aside for basic ass Jane Seymour.

 When an ex comes back it is equivalent to picking a wound and watching it bleed again. I believe love is selfless. I don't believe that all great love stories end with the lovers together. If you know you're wrong for someone but you love them, then love is letting go. Its putting someone else's needs before your own. Men like my ex never let go. They drain and drain and only give so little expecting everything in return. They devour you and leave you dismantled. I never forgave him for leaving the way he did or the dozen other times he failed me. But I never thought....he'd be so cruel. I didn't want to see his world. I didn't want to know his life. He took my eyes and pried them open and made me know. He stirred the pot and made me feel this hurt again...he's just a monster. Everyone say's he will be back. Men like him always come back and I need to be ready for when he does.

A part of me didn't want to write him back. I was going to ignore it. I didn't want him back in my life and was angry he'd try to get in again. I guess apart of why I did and still continued is because I had this idea of myself. That I could be the kind of woman who could casually talk to an ex without commitment. That I'd be too cool, or too intelligent to fall for his tricks again. Fully aware that I would be the best thing in his life and that he could no longer hurt me. But.... there was that elephant in the room. No matter how good I felt about myself, no matter what I had in my own life... I'd still never be able to look at him the same. He hurt me once, devastated me. Denied me love. A truly unforgivable act that he brought upon himself. 

I never want to speak of him again. This is my vow. To my friends who are reading this, know this. All conversations about this person will cease to exist. I don't want to know what hes doing or who he is with. He no longer means anything to me. He wasn't a mistake but a lesson. To never doubt myself and to never settle for less than I deserve. 

I'll do better. I am better. One day he will just be a distant memory and no more than a name. But for now I need to stay away. I need to listen to myself and follow my own dreams. I vow to let go of any toxicity in my own life. I will become the woman that I told myself I would never be and I'll one day if I am lucky enough find someone worthy enough of that woman. I invite you all on my journey of becoming who I am meant to be. The stepping stones to the ultimate glow up.