Its been a while blog. I haven't written in you in um...over
a month. Remember I said, its not you its me after spewing out my heart and
soul I left you high and dry. Sorry. But you know as well as I have that this
last year has really sucked. Its been uneventful and when events have occurred
they've been bad ones. It seemed to be never ending. First world problems
aside, yes I know starving children, prostitutes, and Renee Zellwingers face
job...it could be worse. I do recognize that. But for me as you know...I
expected so much more.
Last you heard from me I did try the liver cleanse detox.
Aside from constant hunger, which seriously I don't get how people lose weight
without being anorexics. I still have not figured this out. And if someone says,
try protein I will hit you. Virtually hit you or physically hit you whatever is
quickest. Safe to say the diet didn't work out as I; 1. wasn't eating enough.
2. was ready to eat my fist 3. I hated everything because I was so hungry. I
caved and I binged. I'm pretty sure it was a taco bell binge, the only place I
have had food poisoning from. And I kept eating there. Not just because I fancy
tacos, but probably because I was so upset at myself for giving up that I
prayed the tacos would make me sick again. Catholic punishment minus the fact
that I don't consider myself a catholic or own a whip or hair vest.
Long story short. That's when I decided to take a break from
the blog. I don't know how many people read this. Maybe a handful, maybe fifty,
maybe none but I didn't want to put on a charade. I gave up. Again. I didn't
need to face that just yet. I ran from it.
You may be asking yourself this as you read; Does this bitch
even want to lose weight? Why is she making it so hard? Taco bell is not real
food or I fucking love taco bell bring back the bell beefer! The answer is yes
I want to lose weight. I have wanted to so badly. It truly does make me feel
better when I am smaller both physically and mentally. I am pretty sure I have
Diabetes 5 now! "Why is she making it so hard?" I don't fucking know
maybe because I have had everyone from a mother of three who thinks she knows
the world, to an uptight male paleo blogger who only dates Asians and is 100
pounds, to girls who just decided to lose weight and it came so naturally to
them try to tell me to just give up starch and just work out and everything
will be okay. I am here to tell you that cutting out a food group.... DOESN'T
MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY! I already suffer from social and personal anxiety even sometimes
but rarely resulting in anxiety attacks. When I am told I can't have something
or am faced with the burden of hunger I lash out and cave.
I am going to
cut to the chase as I am pretty tired and I know you want me to cut to the
chase. This year...if it has offered anything has been a year of reflection.
What do I want? What do I absolutely not want? I think I've figured it out
mostly. What I want more than anything is to be healthy. I want to live the
life I know I should be living. I am the captain of my soul. I also want a job
where i feel valued and can take care of myself. I want to travel Europe, I
want to love again, I want to have sex again (yes I went there), I want to
start living like a woman on the verge of her 30s and not like that scared 19
year old I was 10 years ago. I don't want to waste my time with people that
don't respect me. I don't want relationships with little or no value and I
don't want to settle.
A good friend told me in regards to certain people in
relationships , "We all get the person we deserve. They are a reflection
of ourselves in one way or another. Whether we accept it or not! We only get
what we think we can have. " I think about this in regards to my ex and
his current relationship. And it is not a good thing,
And I think about it in regards to what we
had. I was settling. There was love but...he was going one way and I was going
another.
I know I only have five weeks left of this year. Well six if
you count half a week as one....which no one does okay...5 and a half weeks.
But I don't want to let this year have been a total waste. My birthdays next
month. 29...fuck me right? Not sure if I'll do a whole lot but a martini and a
piece of cake sounds good. And then there is Thanksgiving which is more awesome
than Christmas because you get to eat like a pig without buying people
presents.
Aside from the holidays I've made a vow to myself. Rather
than wait for the new year because by the time the new year rolls around and I
have been dormant I'll have gained holiday weight. No bueno. My vow is I will
start a good work out routine now. Cardio 3-4 times a week, one day strength
(will build up to two by week three but I am a MUTANT and gain muscle like a
man minus the sweet fat loss) and one to two days of pilates/yoga. That seems
like a lot right? Well if you plan it accordingly its really just 5-6 times a
week gym time which is what I should be doing to lose weight.
As far as my diet goes...well the holidays are coming. I
won't make promises like no mashed potatoes or pie like some sick fuck would
but I will say I'll try to make healthier decisions daily. Like nix the soda
for water, eat veggies at night instead of chips, you know gluten does you no
good and your ass hates dairy so maybe limit to one every other day till you
the new year when you will try to go sans dairy and gluten.
I know I won't lose mass weight as I planned. But it will
get me ready for the new year to start doing some real kick ass work outs and
to make eating right an easier transition. I don't vow to do paleo, vegan or
anything too much of a commitment but I am trying to listen to my body and
sadly I think it is outgrowing fried foods, gluten and dairy and ...sniffle
sniffle....refined sugar.
As my image says; "one step: choosing a goal and
sticking to it. Changes everything."
My goal is 125. I won't say what I weigh now but its a lot
more than 125. I don't know how long it will take. But that is who I am meant
to be.
Goal number two: Get a job where you can take care of
yourself, buy more decent organic groceries and save and pay off debt. Goal one
and Goal two should actually be fused into one super goal. MUST ACCOMPLISH.
